Studerly Thoughts (warning: might be conscious streamy)

It's 1:30am, and I'm about to go to bed. Ah, the life of a student!

Hehe, Becca, I love you! And I just wanted to publicly say thanks again, for taking that extra time and effort to make my sick week more bearable.

On that note, in the last two days, I've been clearing out my bedroom of old things, useless things, memorable things that I no longer need tangible reminders of... all in the spirit of my parents relocating to the Homeland, and moving my stuff to another room, so they can rent it out while they're gone. That aside, I threw away hordes of old letters, sad to see them go, but happy to know that those don't quantify my relationships and the quality of them.

Going back to the point, one of Becca's letters to me started with "Tomorrow is my last first day of college!"

And this is where I am now.

With one quarter left and a whole life ahead, I'm starting to wonder less about what I'll be doing, and more about who I'm becoming, and who I'm leaving behind. I feel like I've come to the point where it's not so much about discovering a passion, or accomplishing something totally amazing. I just want to be that person who's done her duty, but not because it was her duty; just because she loved to.

So that brings me to the question what is my duty? I know the Sunday School answer lies in maybe 3 Bible verses. One about loving God with all our heart, mind, soul, strength. One about loving my neighbor as myself. One about making disciples of all nations and baptizing them.

But I now stand at a place where I'm trying to incorporate my identity, my personality, my character into these commissions. The Bible doesn't talk about what classes to take in college. It doesn't talk about how long you should be dating, or engaged, or when you should get married. It doesn't talk about how to bake a pretty cake. It doesn't talk about wanting to learn how to take beautiful photographs.

I know, I know. These things aren't significant in light of Jesus and what He's done for us.

But aren't they?

I'm not saying they should take higher priority than our faith. Just that there was a purpose in God creating me this way. Maybe if I were a post on a blog, the title could be "Christian," and the tags would be little things that aren't singularly unique to me, but as a combination make me different from every other post.

I guess this whole thing has been a statement about how I know and believe that our highest calling is an eternal one. BUT, there are more dimensions to us than our faith, and they're important too. I just don't know where to put them in line with those few things that I know I should be.

I feel like that blank box when you first start a post. What's going in it? How long will it be? Who will read it? Who will enjoy it? Who won't enjoy it? What will make it unlike the others? Will it have made a difference in the end?

Teacherly thoughts

It's 9:52 p.m. and I'm about to go to sleep. Ah, the life of a teacher.

Did you know that every time I go back to school after a long break, I get a sense of fear and excitement? I start to dread going back almost half way into break, but as the day draws nearer, that dread slowly fades into curiosity. What have my students been doing? And then, that curiosity evolves into excitement. I can't believe that I'm so blessed to make 150 or so new friends a year. And everyday, I get a chance to sit down with these new little (peculiar and amusing) souls and share my life with them. Invigorating...and a little terrifying.

For some of them, I'm the only reflection of Jesus they see. That's the part that instills fear in me. I better do this job right...I better be a good and bright light...I better bring that saltiness to the table!...or....or...

That thought, in turn, drives my motives and actions. That's the reason I must go to sleep in exactly one minute.

All to Jesus, I surrender...all to Him, I freely give.

May we all shine brightly tomorrow, through our words, actions, thoughts, and attitudes.

wah wah wah

I'm not much of a fan of resolutions. If I were to be asked why, I would probably throw out some response about how "everyday is an opportunity to live with the mindset of change and self-improvement", or something fanciful like that, with the expectation after to bask in compliments regarding my cleverness and refreshing take on life. Some crap like that.  

This year however, I will admit, I bought into the hype. In my mind, the new year was an opportunity to start over again, a tangible starting point from whence I can start my new life of being the best person I can be. So when I found myself struggling with my laziness, anger and impatience, and letting them get the best of me, I was bummed to have "ruined" such an opportunity to start anew. 

Stupid, huh.

The feeling that I get that time o' the year when "Auld Lang Syne" is played should be a feeling I get everyday, simply because the second I believed in Christ as my savior is the second something new began in my life. Something that gives us a hope, a drive to look at EACH day as an opportunity to be more Christlike, looking not at the scenery around or the milestones we have passed, but at the stretch that lies ahead, be it cloudy or bright. Redemption means that every second of every day is an opportunity to throw off what lies behind, that we may be able to better run towards what lies ahead. 

Christ already has done the work on the cross! He is our hope, our inspiration to see every part of every day as something new and exciting, no matter how much we think we are undeserving. 

Geez, I wish my life made as much sense to me daily as it seems to when I sit down and write.

NANASHI

I’ve been feeling particularly introverted this winter break. It’s probably because I’ve been thinking, over thinking, and not praying, over praying. My mind has been acting bipolar – up and down, this way and that way – pondering thoughts about life, the future, media and God within (or not as within as it should be) it all. And do I have any definitive conclusions? Any amazing epiphanies about life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness? No, definitely not. My mind is a smorgasbord of intersecting, parallel and individual trains of thought and I can’t seem to fit everything together. Therefore, in an attempt to understand myself and glean any God-given gems of thought from my brain, I will try to find order in this madness by writing out my thoughts in digital blog form. Its almost therapeutic!Because of my good friends Benjamin Button and Makoto Shinkai (the writer/director responsible for the image above), a good amount of my free time has been used self-reflexively pondering the nature of our lives. Life is in spurts, some longer than others, some happening the way you expect and some not, some impactful, some not as much, but all…interesting and God-willed. There are a jillion people out there in the world, all with different problems, situations, emotional states, and dreams, and maybe you only know of a thousand of them. You laughed with some, you played on a team with some, you are related to some, you went to church with some – and at this moment you have a different relationship with each individual person you have ever known. It’s always awkward to run into that person you once knew a long time ago because sometime or another you have gone on different paths in life. So many people, but as of now you know so little of them. And at one time or another you may be reunited with some and separated from others for a time or…forever? You, them and everyone moves on. Therefore, there isn’t much use in being nostalgic. At some time in the future you will move on from the people you know now and all you will have is how they (or God through them) have changed you during that part of your life. People die (especially if you’re Mr. Button) and people change – including yourself. It’s sad but you aren’t the same as you were back then so you won’t have the relationships you had back then ever again. “Don’t wish for the impossible because you will only get hurt.”
So do I just forget the past and live in the present but fixate on the future? Maybe. Why is it that certain people are in your life only for a specific amount of time? Is it “fate,” “a force of nature” or some deeper unconscious within your own self that determines what happens? I find that most people are existentialist and hedonists; their goal in life is to create for themselves happiness and pleasure. Wow, that’s almost selfish. When one tries to understand life it seems so obscure, so intangible, so blurry. I can put definitions on the inner workings of the mind and consider every transcendental thought theory out there, but in the end it doesn’t capture the complexity of reality. There must be more. Life can’t be just random entropy…guided by…something?
And at this point I remember. Yes. God. God. God. He brings order to chaos and understanding to confusion. He gives tangibility to the intangible and makes life more than just happenstances. It is submission to His hand and His will that quells my ADD mind. Its liberating when you realize that your life – with all its regrets and “what ifs” – is of great concern to the most powerful (and most humble) being/human/Spirit ever.
Good to know. But descending from the clouds of theory and understanding and stepping foot into reality is slightly more difficult. I’m a film studies major and English minor. I’m a realist (ISTP) but at the same time I am a dreamer who believes in the power of God to change people’s lives. More and more I believe in the ability to communicate through film art. I’m easily fascinated by good stories, relatable characters and beautiful images. I love films (or animes haha) with depth, purpose and meaning. When I watch something I want to be challenged in my life or my perceptions; I want to think, to reflect, to view or value or consider things differently than before. I want to be communicated more than just the superficial images, and resultantly that has become my goal in my own work. Create for me a complete world with relatable emotional nuances and hidden commentary and more likely than not I’ll enjoy it.
It’s interesting that although many of the films I love are made by a secular industry they seemingly condone Christian ideals and biblical principles. Krzysztof Kieslowski’s “Trois Couleurs Trilogy,” which is comprised of the films Trois Couleurs: Bleu, Trois Couleurs: Blanc and Trois Couleurs: Rouge (pictured above), were made to bring attention to the ideas represented in the French flag – respectively – liberty, equality and fraternity. Many other impactful films such as Umberto D., The Killing Fields and Blood Diamond were made to bring social awareness to the neglected and unfortunate. And in countless other films human emotions are brought to the forefront in order to garner a greater respect for and further understanding of life, humanity and the people around us. However, in all these films, no matter how esteemed they are, they do not mention a motivation for the “goodness” that is uplifted. And once again the same old explanations come up: “it may be ‘fate,’ ‘conscience,’ ‘love’ or an ethereal ‘force’ that drives the good within humanity.” And ultimately these films promote ideals established by “something-that-can’t-quite-be-pinpointed” rather than our Savoir, Jesus Christ.
As for myself I like to make social realism art films with a hint of the eternal. A lofty goal but my goal nonetheless. I want to steer people towards Christ with my films. Films already encourage people to lead a morally good and meaningful life, so why not point people towards the reason for it all – JESUS. Easily said, but not easily realized and practiced. How am I going to make money? What am I going to do after I graduate? The film industry is particularly secular and particularly adverse to Christian “conservatism.” I really don’t know. I’m worried but that act alone contradicts my aforementioned realizations. Yes, God. Trust in the Lord, lean not on your own understanding, your life is in His trustworthy hands. Don’t think, pray.
So let’s wrap this up, tie it all together and put it in God’s hands.
Humanity is lost. Life is indeed full of comings and goings, meetings and departures. But what is its purpose? Is there anything to live for beyond what can be grasped with my own hand? In Masaaki Yuasa and Robin Nishi’s film Mind Game (a very strange experimental hallucinogenic art film – pictured above), the main character cries out in desperation when they are trapped in a whale’s stomach:

“Cos there’s so much out there, so many different people, living different lives – incredibly good guys, bad guys! Folks completely different from us! It's one huge melting pot! See, it's not about success, dying in the streets, who’s better, who's not! I just want to be part of it! I realize that even if I've no connections, no talent, even if I'm one big loser, I want to use my hands and feet to think and move, to shape my own life!”

In a situation strikingly (or purposefully?) similar to Jonah, the characters turn to themselves, to humanity, rather than to God – the shaper and creator of all things. The majority of people believe that our existence is created solely by our own hands; people create their own meaning in life, and the majority of the time that meaning is aligned with monetary success, pleasure and happiness. It’s sad but true. Furthermore, numerous other films (many of which I look up to) perpetuate this idea and others. Your life is determined by your own actions. True love and happiness is your purpose in life. Fate and destiny will put you where you need to be. Be kind and understanding to everyone because you never know what people are going through. How we treat one another will determine the state of humankind. All humans need love, hope and relationship. These ideas encourage and motivate us; they cause a tingle in our heart and spark enduring thoughts in our minds. But why? Because every one of these themes, in one way or another, have the fingerprint of God. Our purpose in life is to become more like Christ and lead others to know Him. If we submit to Him, He is the One who will determine our lives. God is love, Jesus is our hope and happiness is found in doing God’s work and seeing people grow in their relationship with God. In order to be like Christ we love those who are difficult to love because that is how God loves us. And by getting people to know Jesus humanity is unified and the problems of this world are solved. Hmm, it seems that the reason films influence us is because they glorify blurred and partial guises of the implications of Christianity. After all, “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning” (James 1:17).

So that’s my vision – to put God wholly into films. Christian ideals have always taken a backseat in secular films, but I hope to use film as a gateway for people to realize Jesus. And in doing so I will solidify God, not ourselves or some other “entity,” as the driving force of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

Oh, what's in a name...

Last week, I saw this blog for the first time. A few days ago, I returned to it. Today's the first day I was able to write in it.

Why? I had difficulty registering for an account.

It wasn't so much the technology (although a few of you could probably attest to my shallow...but growing...understanding of all things digital). It was that line after the registration asked for your email address and password: display name.

I don't know why it was so hard. I couldn't come up with a display name a week ago or a few days ago. I thought long and hard about this one (stupid) simple step over and over again.

I'm a thinker, so therefore, I overthought. (And yes, I know that overthink, much less overthought, is not a real word!) I went way beyond the bounds of creativity and overwhelmed myself to the point of closing the registration screen twice!

I know, I know. Pathetic.

Today, I just knew I had to do it. When I came home, I had a flashback and saw Crystal standing at my front door, laptop in hand, declaring, "I brought my laptop, so I could help you sign onto the blog!"

So after signing onto my gmail account, I resolutely gchatted everyone I could and asked them for help in creating my display name!

I know. Pathetic, once again!

I came to the conclusion, after being overwhelmed by everyone else's creativity, that I was too pooped to apply yet another name to myself. At this point in my life, I better be proud of who I am and the name I'm called. So, the conclusion: my display name is what everyone calls me.

I like how it sounds. I like how people say it (most of the time). And I'm glad that I'm not tired of responding to it (although I am hard of hearing at times -- sorry). There's a lot in a name, and at 26, I'm glad I don't have to make up a new one.

Yea, I'm pretty happy with it.

A Grand New Year of Love

HAPPY NEW YEAR ALL!!!

After a loaded morning at work, a strange afternoon, and "Mamma Mia!"... I didn't attend the prayer at Church thing... but God showed me a lot, nonetheless... I didn't go to the mountains today to reflect and think... but God let me breathe a lot today... and so, with all this breathing... I was pondering... and thinking... and then I wrote this.

Q: How would you end the cycles of hate? 

I watched the movie “The Kingdom” and I tip my hat to it. Not only did I cringe and duck my head a few times, but I also squirmed in my seat knowing that it was possible for such things to occur. I’m not that big of a weeper, birthday cards won’t bring tears to my eyes, Christmas cards are a different story, but the point is, it takes some effort to make me cry because I’m touched, and “The Kingdom” did it for me.

The story starts and ends with a terrorist attack. In the beginning, Arab terrorists kill innocent men, women, and children. In the end, American F.B.I. agents kill an old man and a young boy. Naturally, in the eyes of two different perspectives, the story is different, but the emotions are real. The never-ending war between America and the Middle East is beginning and unfolding on wide and full screen.

With such a set up, it is difficult to believe that this cycle will stop. Think about it, although in the eyes of Americans, what the terrorists have done and are doing is wrong and hurting us, in the eyes of those in the Middle East, how are the Americans different? Yes, they all carry guns, bombs, and torpedoes that can shoot through cars and buildings, killing many at a time. And, naturally, there is hate being fostered and grown in the hearts of the youth who are told to burden the responsibility of revenge for their country… but that’s happening on both sides.

And so, I turned to the Bible for my answers and there it was. “Faith, hope, and love.”

We need to have FAITH that all is according to God’s will and not ours. We need to put our trust and lives in the hands of our Maker, and we must HOPE for a better and brighter tomorrow. It may not happen in the way we want it to, but it will in the way God wants it to. “Let God be true.” And loving your enemies is a common misunderstood commandment. I’ve heard the words of Jesus misinterpreted many, many times. When a friend is hurt, I’ve heard them quote, “Do unto others the way they do unto you” and I would sit there and scratch my head, confused at such an interpretation. The Bible teaches us to treat others the way you want to be treated, so does that mean if someone blows up my lands and steal my cattle, I will do the same to them?

No. In all ways, shine God’s light brightly in all your actions, words, and ways. Let the world see what is and should be, not what they hope to twist things into. So even should terrorists continue to bomb my homeland and steal my brothers and sisters’ lives… I will stay pray to the One I have FAITH in that He will bless their family and friends, and I will HOPE they will see what is right and turn from the false gods… and yes, I will LOVE them as I would my brothers and sisters, as friends and family.

Yes, there we go…

A: With LOVE. 

A little thing I got from a musical

The long awaited date to watch the widely acclaimed musical, “Wicked,” finally came. I remember almost exactly a year ago, a couple of friends from HOC planned to go watch “Wicked,” and I intended on going along with them. However, due to some unforeseen events, I was unable to go. Now that has all changed, I finally get to seize the opportunity to watch the musical with Tiffany Chai and others. I’m sure most of you know that green plus Tiffany Chai equals bunches of squeals and giggles.
As I entered the Pantages Theater, I was planning to admire the architect of the building and the decorations; sadly, I wasn't able to. We were a bit late and we couldn’t miss one second of the musical. As the entire ceiling lights began to pulsate to notify the audience that the play is about to begin, all of us rushed into the theater and made it just in time for the beginning of the first act.
 
“You know what? I have changed, and to show my dedication I will change my name from Galinda to Glenda!”
 
To inform the people that forgotten about the musical or those who have not seen the musical at all, one of the main characters decides to turn over a new leaf. Galinda (I hope I spelled it right) decides to change her name and start afresh on doing good deeds and helping others. The audience laughed awhile the other characters in the play stared at her awkwardly. As if changing your name will make a difference to your stupidity and the forces of fate for your life. Fiyero will forever be with Elphaba and there is nothing you can do about! Er-hm, I lost myself a bit there.

Revelation 2:17
            “He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To him who overcomes, I will give some of the hidden manna. I will also give him a white stone with a new name written on it, known only to him who receives it.” 
 
I just came back from HOC’s First Service retreat, “Second Nature,” and Pastor Rand Cho preached about getting in tune to the “Second Nature,” or Christ’s nature, in our lives. The White Stone represents an invitation in Jewish traditional weddings. The invitation of a white stone is given to each person with his or her name carved on the stone, and the people who attend the wedding will enter by showing the white stone as a valid certificate. Another representation of the white stone was used in ancient times of a court ruling system. The white stone represents innocent and the black stone represents guilty to the person under trial.
 
God emphasizes a huge importance on names. In fact, one of the Ten Commandments does not allow anyone to misuse His very own name. The whole principle of names is to refer to the person’s identity. The name represents the perception of the individual. One of the kids that came to the retreat, named Junming, was acting weird to say the least. (I can write another entire blog about this little bundle of blessing, but I’ll save your sore eyes from making this blog even longer.) I view him as if he was my very own little brother and I care for him very dearly. However, one annoy thing he does is to greet you consecutively in every 10 minute intervals.
 
“How was your day? What is your name again? How are you doing?”
 
At first, it was very admirable, but it slowly began to be very pestering. Throughout the retreat he began to give names to each person, especially the leaders. Andy became Ally. Dennis became Dentist, and Chester became Chesthair. It was a great laugh, but names refer to one’s identity. And there is only so far you can go with name calling, and to say the least, the punishment was justly served. Haha!
 
If you just skipped reading this whole blog, the main point is this:
Once we are saved in our Lord’s name, He will give us a new name. Why, you ask? Why not our own old name? Why not keep the same name?
 
It is because our old name falls short of God’s glory. Our old name is insufficient to meet the threshold of God’s perfect standard. The perfect God sees the imperfection and gives you a “new name”
 
Let us rejoice, for we are shown innocent in trial, and we are cordially invited to His wedding, your wedding, my wedding, the unification of the Groom and the bride.
He has altered the fate of our lives of deserving punishment, and given us new names and eternal life
"The beauty of Grace is that it makes life not fair."
 
Oh yeah, Happy New Years Lux Mundi!