Home Again!

Hello, Home! =)

Away From Home

Sad and angry as I may be... God is doing favors for me. Please, keep me in your prayers. These next few days ought to be QUITE an experience for me! Praise the Lord for family in America, spiritual and physical!

Hmmm

Hello. :)

The Right Time

Perhaps it was because none of us really knew how hard the load would be. Or even the nights filled with long work and hard designing. I mean, when do real editors, writers, designers, and visionaries come so cheaply? 

I guess there truly is a time for everything. A time to prosper and live happily... and a time to kill the dying cat. Just kill it and move on.

Is this how LMMG has become?

Only Lonely

Isn't it weird how loneliness is the most common feeling in the world, and yet; it's NEVER the same with anyone? 

God gave us brothers and sisters... Let's cherish them, one day at a time!

~ I miss working on the magazine with all you guys! I miss Allan, Mike, and Becca's comments about the writings and I miss Jesse's totally chill meetings and writing sessions. I miss sending in EVERYTHING I write and seeing the finished magazine published in full color. I miss Martin's bewildered and surprised looks and the overall just outright weird dynamics of our group. I miss reading everyone's posts and writings...

Whenever ya'll ready again to move forward, I'll be right there with ya'll! :D

Jesse Lee

Of all the blessed people I'd had the honor of knowing and meeting and greeting... none but Jesse Lee had ever really made my eyes open with new curiosity... nor made eyes squint from the glow of childlike awesome-ness the way he did! Who other than the leader of LMMG could bring together and create new ventures unknown and realized before?

Thus, this honorous tribute post goes to our fearlessly fun and exciting leader, the one and only of his unique caliber and stoic optimism... Thank you for loving us all!

You're a H.O.M.P. of the best grade! Good luck on your interview! We ridin' behind you all the way!! Hail, Jesse Lee of greatness unrivaled!

Grace vs. Guilt

So, this was an interesting night.

At Home Team, we discussed the first three chapters in a book about Grace... and every day that I work at the library, I struggle with the giving and receiving of grace.

My direct supervisor does NOT know how to be graceful. Having yelled at me in front of patrons, blamed me, and threatened my job security openly... words of kindness are usually jokes she laughs about later on when she talks to other workers in Tagalog. How very NOT graceful of her, right? 

So, when she or any one of her age group/generation say things to me these days, I find myself feeling guilty for messing up or simply "not knowing" intuitively. They tell me to use "common sense" and all I can do is pull back into my bubble of fear and guilt, working under them as humble, weak, peons. And then, not only that, but now, ANYONE who shows me grace in any way, I feel the guilt first. I feel the disappointment they "must" feel and are "hiding". I sense the utter lowliness of me compared to the higher and nobler them... In short, I feel lower than the dirt they walk on. 

Most times, I am unable to pull myself out of these depressed bouts. I feel suicidal, I read manga, I write stories, I write songs, I read novels, I try to finish Brisingr... (Yes, I'm still on Pg. 435...)... and yet, I have none to comfort me because everyone just decides not to pick up the phone... grr.... 

And then I fall even lower, into the pits of despair, distress, depression, and death... And then I pass the suicidal longing and just sit in one place, numb to all who call out to me...

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound,

That saved a wretch like me...

Grace. What an amazing thing. Truly, verily, I can honestly say that I know the grace God has on my life. For none punishes me more than my own flesh... and none loves me more than God.

I once was lost, but now am found!

Was blind, but now I see!

Indeed, I see and feel the grace of God every day in my life. And I can't even blame my pessimism and depression, because through my downfalls and weaknesses, the grace of God shines even brighter to me.

I wasn't going to share this with anyone yet... but yesterday I wrote a song called "United"... and here are the words:

Seasons in rotation, Winter to Spring

Life will continue to harbor the future

Let us come together, bringing our gifts

Of knowledge, strength, and art

When we turn to each other

Seeing brothers and sisters

Alive and ready for what is to come

That is my dream, to be

A people united by hope and not despair

A body of peoples coming together

For all the world to see

Generations of worn souls, linking together

Seeing miracles from impossibilities

When we turn to the others

Seeing distant loved ones instead of age old enemies

With the bones of our forefathers; our foundation of faith

We can become a greater force

A nation united by peace and not war

The storms that break and churn the seas

Will be quite waters before the gathered hearts

A love unknown will spread through these

Willing to take the stand

A people, a nation, with pulsing hearts

With hope, peace, and faith

Coming together to rebuild a fallen world

With a common spirit will create

A world united by love and not hate

And I think to myself;

What a wonderful world it would be...

And I think to myself,

What a wonderful world

-- Simple Words... Maranatha!

Reflection

two months of hard work... 

about a hundred unpaid hours clocked... 

milling around unnoticed by the world... 

all for seven minutes and 6 seconds of one night...

...

Someone once asked me how it felt to work so hard for so little recognition and exposure in a field where such mattered more than any other award, prize, and achievement. And in return, I found it appropriate to smile and ask, in return, if that person understood how it felt to love someone, unconditionally, unceasingly, but never be able to say or do anything direct about it. To have an unrequited love and passion for that which has none for you in return. When the person confirmed having felt the like at least once before in their life, I explained, casually, "THAT'S how it feels to do what I do."

Yes, the hurt of knowing the relationship is one way is one of the most difficult emotions most have trouble dealing with. It may cause illusions, delusions, and the like, but because I know that God has my best in His hands... I'll not give up! NEVERRRR!!

...

Passion Revived In Creatively Engineered Locomotives Entertaining Saved Sinners

Praise the Lord for He is gooooooood!

Guarding your heart for DUMMIES like me

I’ve been learning a lot about guarding my heart from men. Its always been a strange and broad topic that I usually put on the back burner to figure out at a later time, but lately i’ve been forced to deal with it for my own heart’s sake. So i’ve compiled a list of practical steps based on my own experiences that has helped me… or I hope is helping me.

(This is from a girl’s perspective, sorry guys)

1. If you know he likes a song or a certain song reminds you of him, try not to listen to it. Listening to the song is like embedding him into your mind for 3 minutes at a time. Instead, listen to songs that remind you of your relationship with Jesus because you will probably end up listening to that stuff anyway if this guy breaks your heart.

2. Do not talk to him on the phone or chat with him into the wee hours of the morning. You’re probably tired and vulnerable and will most likely say things you don’t mean to say. Plus, a good guy would respect your sleep time… unless you’re an insomniac or something.

3. If he says something sweet and you catch yourself swooning, imagine him saying it to your mom.

4. If he’s really good looking, try not to stare so much. Getting distracted by his good looks is like a hot knife going through the shield of butter you’re trying to guard your heart with.

5. Use caution when encouraging him. Men are easily flattered and as women we like seeing them flattered and happy, so we use it as a weapon sometimes.

6. If he smells good….. don’t smell him.

7. If he says you look pretty, calm down and seriously ask him what else he likes and hope he says something legit about your character because one day you’ll probably be ugly. You keep him with what you catch him with.

8. Limit the one on one time you spend with him. In my opinion, wasting time with a guy is the best way a girl builds emotional attachments.

9. If you see him playing with kids…… RUN

10. Pray! This is the most important part. God is the best defender of your heart.

Sharing this has made me really wish it was possible to just type out a list on how to guard your heart or have some some formula to follow, but we all know it’s not that simple. The heart has ways I will never understand. I guess that’s the beauty of it.

Missions NO-NO!

While correcting and typing my missions letter (because it's due tomorrow, this Sunday!), I came across a passage I had written while listening to Pompeii by E.S. Posthumus (which I am listening to right now!), and chuckled. So, I wanted to share with you guys! Please, tell me what you think!

"At times, during my challenging trip, I feel as though I am the underdog of the television series, “Survivor.” In every situation, I’ve always come out last and am close to being defeated by the complete level of insecurity and discomfort around me. But, when I finish my challenge and see the smiles and receive the hugs from my students; that is my crowning prize. And, in return, I’ve become tougher. I’ve learned to keep myself clean, bathing in rivers because of lack of plumbing, and eating what was necessary to keep me afloat, out of my own volition. Clearly, I am far under-qualified to survive the television series, but my accomplishments thus far are far greater than what I had originally planned to achieve. "

For a while, I struggled with writing my missions letter because I wasn't allowed to mention "mission", "missionary", or "spread the gospel" in my support letters because of the implications and unseen threats attached to it all. Unseen by me and those around me, but censured and blocked by the Chinese government. Oh, the woe of it all!!

However, I was reminded of Ruth and her love for 'Alias'. True, it's different, but quite similar, wouldn't you agree? After all, we're all secret agents being sent into the battlefields of dangers unknown to spread peace/love and not hate. Drops chocolates and not bombs! Make steak, not war! And then my writing of the support letter became easier because, when you write with your heart, and the facts are clear before you, there's no haze that you must muddle through to get your point across. No amount of flowery can hide your intentions. No, make it simple and put it out there, "I want to go to China and rediscover my roots in hopes of giving back." and they can say nothing, because I sound like a history friend with a need to plant trees. 

Praise the Lord! =) I hope you all are well!

New Video!

So, "Agape Intermedia" did a wedding recently! On March 15th, 2009, which explained why Crystal, Mike, Becca, and I left HOC so early and couldn't be found until later at night! I had fun, though my arms shook a lot and it was the first wedding I've done on my own as the only videographer! Wah! So nervous, but because my brother and sisters were there, I feel as though they really liked us and =) it was all good as gravy. Anyways, here's the video of the highlight reel and I hope you guys like it because, well, at first I didn't want to share it with you guys because this site is so inactive, but if I don't... who will? 


A&J Highlight Reel from Tiff Chai on Vimeo.

HISTORY MAKERS ALL THE WAAAAAAY!!!

~ Love you all!!! :D Tiffrz

Taiwanerica?

On the way home from work, at like, 9 AT NIGHT!, I was driving on Colima which became Golden Springs, and I was wondering why the cars were going so slow in my lane. I looked over and saw that a group of bikers took up most of the space around the right lane. 

Let me rephrase, a group of 12-13 bicyclists with their flashing lights rode at night. 10-speeds, trick bikes, biker bikes, whatever. And I had to smile. What if they wore signs on their back advertising God instead of just conserving energy, getting fit, and not polluting?

Praise the Lord for good ideas and inspirations!

(*Taiwanerica because I felt like I was in Taiwan for a moment, and how interestingly hard it would be to bike home... UP GRAND... wow. hehe... HOW FUN!!!)

Interesting Quote

Eddie showed me an interesting quote:

"Notice:

This department requires no physical fitness program: everyone gets enough exercise jumping to conclusions, flying off the handle, running down the boss, knifing friends in the back, dodging responsibility, and pushing their luck.

-  Annonymous"

I like this a lot.

Connections

Going to the Delirious concert was not only worth my time, money, and energy, but also worth my tomorrows...

At work today, I wore my "Solid Rock" black T-shirt and have yet to remove my HOB blue wristband. A lady came in and smiled when she saw me. She declined being helped by all other aides and waited for me to finish with my current patron before approaching me and telling me that she had been at the same concert. We launched into a conversation about how great it was and traded stories.

The lady had been to Delirious concerts since her, now high school, kids were in strollers. They would sleep in the back and she and her husband would enjoy the concert. She was blessed to watch her kids in the crowds, enjoying the same rock band she and her husband enjoyed. It was a connection between them for years to come.

When thinking back on it, I realized just how great of a blessing Delirious was to the children of God. Honestly, I've yet to attend or hear of a band that gathers people of all ages and ethnicities. Delirious is the only band I know of that has fans of all ages to validate their 17 years of musical history made. Although I didn't hear of them until 11 years ago, I felt a connection with whoever shared the love of their music with me. God has really anointed their musical abilities so that ALL GOD'S PEOPLE could enjoy it... while attracting those who have yet to commit their lives to Him.

Ah, when I think of it now, my legs go weak and MY SOUL SINGS. Because of EVERYTHING MY GLORIOUS God has done, I feel a desperate urgency to BREAK THE SILENCE. =) If we could go DEEPER with God, ... And to incorporate a lesson within the concert... I can't wait to see what it's like in Heaven if Delirious is like this on Earth!!

Truly, we serve the King of Glory.

Importance of being genuine

Atheist Magician on the importance of sharing faith.

Pornographer Ron Jeremy on the joy found in worship.

Some fresh new content to peruse!

I just stumbled upon some dope new projects that I'm proud to say have come from Christendom. Check them out and be inspired!

http://www.iamsecond.com

http://www.deidox.com

hm...

How come I find that my prayers are more fervent right before I have to take boatloads of students to journalism competitions? Okay, not boatloads...but it's definitely...loads.

This week, I've mostly been down and out. I mean it. Down in my blankets and out cold. See, my grandpa likes to give me medicine when I'm sick (and since he gets a lot of medicine...) so I made sure that the cough syrup he was ladling out was safe stuff...yup, I checked the bottle and everything. AND...I thought that the Robitussin he was giving me with a big old grin was REALLY GOOD STUFF (because I've really gotten A LOT BETTER!!!)...until I found out that he had been refilling that poor harmless Robitussin bottle with the new and improved PROMETHAZINE with CODEINE. Yea...mike. MIKE! Do some research please. I just found out...after I took some. And I'm woozy. Yea.

Note to self: stay in grandparents' room longer so they have more time to talk to you...so you find this stuff out BEFORE it happens!

It's getting harder to type correctly on the first try...and I'm thinking I should go pray just a bit more...before I'm down and out again. Good night.

Back 2 Skool

Well... Top 5 hard things I've learned in the past days (a.k.a. since returning to the educational course of life):

5.  Some dreams come true, others you must let go before it crushes you.

4.  When I worship on the drive to school, God gives me a GREAT parking spot!

3.  Stories like "High School Musical" are HUGE because they are the modern day "Romeo & Juliet" and "Grease" of the times of old.

2.  Chivalry is only alive when a guy is hitting on a girl with secular intentions.

1.  Our next generation is SERIOUSLY doomed without the older generation's impact NOW.

Praise the Lord - Oh, my soul - Praise the Lord.

I think I've developed a celebrity crush... MUAHAHAHAHA! 

P.S. Hi family ~ I miss y'all!!

Basketball Jones

Playing basketball after service on sundays has become our church's ritual if you will. Just as everyone knows that service always starts a little later than the scheduled start time and that the messages always run a little long, we all know that the place to be from 3 till sundown is at stimson park playing basketball on the far court. I love it. Especially since during the week most of my time is spent sitting in front of the computer or a sketch pad, running and breaking a sweat in a friendly but competitive game of 4 on 4 with friends is always something I look forward to.

Every once in awhile though, people have to attend after-service meetings and so the turn out is a lot less. Today was one of those days. We showed up at the courts and for our first game, we played against some strangers. Oh the madness! As we started to play, male egos collided and as the other teams temper and colorful choice of words flowed I started to recall why I stopped playing basketball in the past. I can't stand cocky teenagers that go on the prowl looking for ways to display their machismo. Well, I couldn't just stop playing and walk away with my tail between my legs whining "I don't want to play with you doo doo heads." So, I sucked it up, held my tongue and finished the game. We ended up losing the game, all the more adding to their already inflated egos. I collapsed on the floor in exhaustion and as I stared into the cloudy skies I kind of laughed because I guess God reminded me of the same thing he tells all of us. "Well, you still gotta love them, because guess what, I do." My laughter wasn't because I was thinking "yup, I've heard that before," but I think this time it was more of laughter due to complete amazement. It was more like "wow, God you're ridiculous! How do You do it?!? Did you hear what they were saying?!? Chris Rock doesn't even cuss that much!" And yet, his reply was still the same, "Yea, My love still wants them."

So I laid there, thinking about myself a little. How many times I sinned against God this week and how those sins make me just as much of a sinner as the guys we played against. How His reply to me is the same as it is to them, "Yea My love wants you too." And the only response I could mutter under my breath was "hm..love so amazing."

Expect me not, Love me more

Greetings, friends and family of bloggers worldwide. I have suffered and ventured forth from the lands of pain to bring you this message after careful thought and processed terminology. So it is here that I will expel my deep thoughts and inner turmoil.

For a long time, I had issues dealing with myself and other people. It was always the same circles being spun, webs of torture and circular reasoning that brought me, continuously, down the same path of destruction. And it is now that I see with eyes anew and mind refreshed. Yes, I suffered from feeling as though my expectations were, repeatedly, unmet and, with each time, my walls grew higher and higher until I had created a firm and even divide between those who loved me and my heart.

I willingly stepped into a heavily guarded and padded fortress so as to guarantee myself no or as little as possible pain from life, love, and other mysteries. I wanted to create a "safe space" where I could meditate and get to know God more on my terms. And God, being the Ultimate lover of all time, complied to my selfish desires and allowed me my time in my keep. And then a verse spoke old words that carried new meaning to my heart.

"For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through him might be saved." (John 3:17)

From the beginning of time, God knew mankind would be selfish in all things, wanting to make the world appease their selfish needs and greeds, and all He had on His mind was us; me.

Everything He ever expected, hoped, of me was always to make me better. And yet, my life was never about Him. My life served to make me better, and in the eyes of the world, it was rightly so. But choosing to turn my life to serving Him and others was the first step to fulfilling some of the expectations placed on me, a born-again Christian in the fallen world. 

So, with spirit renewed, I turn from my ways of sinfulness and single-mindedness to a life of purity and God-mindedness. And the first step to doing so is to look away from myself and step down from the slightly raised mound I've placed myself on. In the words of Henry (a very good brother), "Your expectations shouldn't make others feel like you're looking down on them, but reveal what high hopes you wish for them to achieve, to build them up." 

So, dear members of the Body; the Stand Magazine, please accept this formal apology on my behalf. When I started writing for the magazine, it was all about how the magazine could improve my writing, how I would gain exposure, and how many people I could impact with my writing. And whenever my articles didn't make the print, I would feel a bitterness and unforgiveness towards the magazine. Even on this blog. I felt sad because I felt as though I were the only one posting. As if I had to prove myself, to this blog, of my worthiness to be a writer in the magazine. All of which was spurred on my the high expectations I had of this magazine. But I promise to only work to uplift and encourage writers, staff, editors, photographers, and readers of the magazine. And to encourage through love and edification. =)

Thank you for reading my post. And it's okay if you don't comment or reply. So long as it is here for your reading when you find time, then that is enough. Also, here is the most recent clip I've made to tie up some loose ends... =) enjoy!

Chocolate

Dear Lord, my One and Only Love unseen,
How wonderful you are to me...
Granting me a life filled with green,
Walls placed nicely a place to be...
You've created a place so free and serene.

Of the woes of I have to speak,
None other than Chocolate makes me blush...
From my lowest lows, it creates a peak,
Men serve me naught but innocence crush,
You provide comforting substance which makes me weak.

Laughter and love canst but compare
To the joyous endorphins thus released,
Such a plain and simple contentment so rare
Yet given the circumstances, so pleased,
I grown and moan when forced to share...

But when feeling light and lost, Your never-ending grace
Proves far more tasty than any succulent temptation;
As if somehow such foolishness flung in Your face
Has the same effect as 24-hour constipation...
So I push it aside and prepare to enter in our place.

(This was actually my second draft... my first draft looked a lil something like this:

Oh Chocolate... sweet temptation from the devil!
How my lust for you corrupts my dreams...
In the darkness my heart will revel..
For though I love green, you hang at my seams...!!

(>.<)*sniff*sniff* have a great week!)

a word on rain

I love on-again and off-again showers on rainy days. God is in charge. These days make everything more exciting, alive, poignant. I love hearing the rain stop and then hearing it start again. I realize that my focus changes for that day. My appreciation for what I have changes as the weather changes moment by moment. I’m amazed at how beautiful everything seems. All the things that are not eternal are constantly washed away on rainy days. Constantly washed away. Just how it is on the grand scale with our lives. In one day, I go through different emotions and feelings, just to look back upon it all at the end of the day and realize that I’m still here and I’m still alive. That rainy day allows me to see how change is only change to things that can be changed. Although so much of who we are and what we do can be changed, we could, in moments of change, choose to remain steadfast in loving and serving our Lord. And so it is that the rainy days show me God’s faithfulness and promise. I haven’t experienced what Noah went through in the day of yore, but a rainy day does bring me new perspective, new appreciation, and a renewed sense of hope.

A word on rainbows — That rainbow meant something to Noah. I like to think that it’s because of all he went through. It’s everything he went through that instilled the value of the rainbow and its significance. What a beautiful way to remind us that He is faithful and we are to trust in Him. I understand that beautiful reminders are needed every now and then. I once heard a pastor say something about rainbows and refraction. At that time, I thought that that poor Asian pastor meant reflection. I now know what he was talking about. Look at the refracted pieces to see evidence of God’s grace and faithfulness in our broken pasts. We live this life with too little reflection. Our Lord continually calls us to remember. Remember so that you will once again come, taste and see that the Lord is good.

AND THE WONDER OF IT ALL

X-POSTED FROM MY BLOG:  http://indigostain.blogspot.com

I embedded the song above for ambiance' sake (especially from minute marker 2:31 and on), so just click play and let the song wash over you like you're sleeping buried to your neck at the beach during low tide.

Driving home with my brother after spending an afternoon at Bin Bin Konjac just fooling around on the internets and with friends, I was coming home for a family dinner and Coldplay - Fix You was playing. Right when we were a couple blocks away from home, the song was hitting its peak/bridge (2:31 & on), and there was just the most perfect post-rain sunset overlooking the hillside my street winds around. It was breathtaking. I quickly pulled the car over at the nearest side street, and we both trekked onto the hill, looking for the perfect shot. Not sure I found it, and my noobzilla photog skills did not do the moment justice. I hope you can somewhat enjoy it with me.

Our God Reigns.

introspection

i was debating whether to create a new post, since i feel like i don't have adequate words to describe my state of mind.

i just watched the video of the conversation between logan and mike about the cow, and it's been a long time since God's love felt so real and tangible.

why don't i feel like that anymore? what happened to that little girl who saw the world with bright eyes and a hopeful heart?

it seems like the more i find out about this world and about people, the more guarded i become, the less easily impressed by what i should be regarding as miracles.

i had a brief glance into myself, much like if you were passing by someone's house, and their front door was open, so you saw through to the other side, and then maybe through a window or glass doors, and noticed a little tree in the backyard. no one ever sees the tree from the street, but today you did.

today, i did.

and what i saw was fear. i'm terrified! of nothing in particular, and of everything all together. it's more than worrying about the future. it's more like knowing that the essence of my being is weak, incapable, and selfish... knowing my worth as a creature of sin.

that front door has closed again, but i aim to, with the grace of God, find my way back to that tree, and cultivate it into a magnificent mark of triumph over everything evil.

for now, i will go to bed, and sleep away the long day that prompted this unexpected intropsection.

no resistance

I am so bothered right now my hands are shaking as I type this.

I'm thinking I should step away from the computer and let this wave of emotion pass and recede into the depths of my heart to deal with at a later time, but I feel like this needs to come out now.

Usually if something bothers me it's pretty easy for me to think myself through it and then cover it up with an excuse, a pleasant attitude and a hopeful heart... but this feeling I'm feeling right now is putting up a pesky fight. It keeps showing up and I can tell it's not going to back down unless I fight back and do something about it.

I started experiencing this feeling when I turned 24 last month. It's that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you know you've missed something really important but can't go back to get it. It sort of feels like time is a train quickly leaving without me, carrying the cargo of all my goals and dreams that I hoped to accomplish but just couldn't catch in time. I missed it because I was either too busy counting the tracks on the ground or too worried about staying safe behind the yellow line.

This panicked feeling has caused me to start running. Literally, run. I hate running. The gnawing feeling crept up on me yesterday afternoon while I was alone in my room wasting time. Without even thinking, I put on some sneakers, drove to a park and started running. Did I mention that I hate running? I especially hate running when there are people around to watch me... but I didn't care this time. I just needed to move. Be in a different place. Exert myself. All I wanted to hear was the huffing and puffing of my own breath and the feeling of exertion and exhaustion overriding the discontent I felt deep inside. I later realized that running was my way of chasing after the train I had missed.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it really bothers me that I am hoarding loads of unused potential that I haven't touched yet. What am I waiting for? I don't mean to sound full of it, but I'm pretty good at some things. God has given me so many gifts, but all I did was unwrap them and place them on a shelf to look at. I have let them collect dust. The shine is starting to wear off. I let people stand around and talk about my gifts and wonder what my gifts could do... but I'm done with that. I don't want you talk and wonder anymore. I want you to see and believe. I want to use my gifts. I don't care if you like them or think they're cool. I don't care if the world is full of resistance. I just want to take my gifts off the shelf for once and wear them out so that in the end when I look into His eyes I can honestly say that I used everything I was given.

A Step of Trust

I was running before I knew I was walking. It came to me so fast, and I was gone just as. Nothing was perfectly clear as they said it was in those story books. Those story books say that life is a gift and so clean cut. Do you know when it's the right moment or is the moment right because you know it? Are they telling me the truth or are lies kissing me on the cheek?

It's like coming to a major intersection and waiting with a crowd of people on one corner of the four available that are all crowded with people. And as you wait for the white walking icon to flash, indicating that you may, indeed, walk across the street and the cars will (should) not run you over because of the red light in front of them, you look right and then left, wondering which would be safer or more direct a path to choose. I'm not talking about those fancy ones with diagonals through the middle, but those squares at any given four-way intersection marking the intersection of two streets with two-way traffic. (2x2=4) Yes, those.

You stand there and you wait. But when the cars stop, the icon flashes, and the crowds move, will you move with them?

Why would you move with them?

Is it because you're shoved along with them, forced to take the road and not go another way? Naturally, when it is crowded, it's easier to follow a crowd and not have to worry about being wrong, because if you were wrong, that would mean EVERYONE ELSE was wrong too, which might make you right? Or, maybe, it lessens the chance of you getting in trouble for or hit by a car, should one disobey the red light and bump you.

Or is it because you want to go with them, putting one foot in front of the other, taking step after step, closer to the other side of the streets according to your own will and right to exercise your freedom? It's not as though you are going where the others are going, right? I mean, you have your own destination and being on the same corner as the others doesn't mean you are in unity with them, bound to them for life and unable to make your own decisions. After all, what are the chances of that happening amongst strangers, unless you're all headed to the same LARGE event, eh?

What would happen if you just stood there, unwilling to move because you don't want to? Or, maybe, you think they're going the wrong way. Perhaps, you're afraid of crossing with so many people. You prefer walking the lane yourself whether it be for greed, safety, claustrophobia, and what not. What would be holding you back? Pride? Power? Prejudice? Pleasure? Sins? Laziness? Yes, that and many more possibilities that don't need to be named, right? Yes, those strongholds that keep you from moving from one side of nowhere to the other side of somewhere. You're at the intersection and faced with choices that will shape your life and form who you will be tomorrow.

... And you can't even cross the street without feeling a tumultuous wave of questions crash down on you.. as you wait for the walking icon to flash. And even when it does, you stand there, unable/unwilling to move.

I got news for ya. If you don't take a step of faith, you'll never get anywhere. Trust in God and He will help you through it all. If you REALLY think about it, God isn't merely the lights at the intersections of your life, but also the road you walk on to reach the other side. He knows us unlike anyone in our lives could EVER know us. He knows where we're going, when we'll get there, who we're with or will meet along the way, what we're going to be/do, and how we'll get there. He knows it ALL.

And yet, He left us the choice to take the first step. And He knows that, when we take that first step, all the other steps after that first step will bring us closer to Him.

Our God is an awesome God.

>> Does that make any sense?

WOW.

This really puts things in perspective.  Jacked from THE GDFHT.

Me Heart Burns

I've tried to do all that I love doing. I try writing 1 song a month so I can put together a demo at the end of one year... I try to compile clips to create a proper short... I try to write 2 novels so that I can publish it to fund my hd camcorder expenses... I try to take classes to appease my parents' demands... I try to work hard to not get fired from work... I try to help my friends and family to lessen their burden and grow with them... Ah, the woes of mankind...

It's like having flour but no water. I don't have EVERYTHING I need to make bread. I have the flour only because I found the plants, crushed them, and now have dough... but I haven't water to mix into the dough, nor yeast to make it rise a lot... And if I can't have bread, I'll starve. But I still have dough, and it's just staring at me in the face, nagging at me to do SOMETHING... but what CAN I do?

Oh, the woes of my heart... What to do with deep passion that has no way to be vented?

God of This City

I've been listening to this song a lot recently. The first time I heard it I could almost feel God's hands tugging on my heart as if to say "I'm still working. You need to keep working too." Anyways, I found out that Chris Tomlin wasn't the original song writer and that it was actually written by this Irish band name Bluetree. They work on "The Stand" (coincidence?) project with Martin Smith and a few other artists. Anyways, here's the story behind the song. I read it and was hit a second time but on a totally different level. Taken from their blog:

"Nov 2006, Bluetree are heading out to Pattaya Thailand to participate in an event arranged by Belfast missionaries living in Pattaya, Thailand called Pattaya Praise. We’ve no expectation of the event; we were just looking for an opportunity to serve somehow.

We didn’t know much about it before we left, but Pattaya is a dark place. It’s a small seaside town notorious for it’s sex trade. Throughout our time there we heard countless stories of girls who are bought from their parents for a price, sold to the sex industry at ages as young as 5 years old. Arriving in Pattaya the spiritual climate seems to change, it’s hard to define, but there is a very tangible change. On the bus journey in we’d been our usual cheery selves, but entering Pattaya at 10am and turning on to a street lined by girls ready for business, the bus became very quiet. We’re in total shock. It’s a sunny day but it’s incredible how dark it feels.

‘Walking street’ we learn is the epicentre of the sex trade in Pattaya, it’s about a mile long and at night springs to life with neon signs. Thai people are generally conservative in their dress sense — it’s generally considered provocative to bare your shoulders. But on their street the girls are wearing very little, and offering anything you can imagine for a price. It’s easy to look around with human eyes, see the depravity and get angry. You see older men walking hand-in-hand with young girls — as a daddy, that’s hard to take in. It’s easy to get angry, it’s easy to judge — but that’s not our job, so we grit our teeth.

We were in Pattaya to be part of a praise event not far from this street, the soul purpose of which was to worship and show God’s light in a dark place. We wanted to play more than the scheduled slots while we were there, so we found out that one of the bar owners would let us play a worship set in her bar on the proviso that we brought as many from the missions team who would buy coke-a-cola all night. We walk in to the bar which is about the middle of walking street, girls are lined up on the stairs waiting for business. We get set up, we’re really nervous and quite uncomfortable but we kick in to a familiar beat of worship and soon it’s ok. God starts to speak and we started to move in to this spontaneous song. The truth is when you worship in a place, you start to see God’s heart for that place. What would God say to a place like this?

Amidst the depravity God say’s, I’m the God of this City, I’m the King of these people and Greater Thing are Yet to Come, Greater Things are Still to be Done HERE. The song wasn’t written before that night, but we came out of the bar having worshipped with the song that is now the title track of our album — God of this City (Greater things). The song isn’t just for Pattaya — it’s for your city, and it’s true. By faith we must expect that greater things are still to be done."

Why?

I've heard so many people ask me "Why?" questions, and I find it difficult to communicate my reasons. So let me blurt it out here.

I don't do what I do for power, pride, nor recognition. I don't do it for the "oohs" and the "aahs". I don't do it for the money, though it is a definite plus. I don't do it for the honing, though it's a DEFINITE plus. I don't do it because of the commitment or the advertisement... blah blah blah.

I do it for the laughter and warmth it brings. I do it for the joy and love it spreads. I do it for the peace of mind and tears of memories within each who views it. I'm not a pro, but I do it because I WANT to. I have a passion to do it. So... I do it. 

And... though I could pick out mistakes I've made after viewing its completed form... I don't regret making it. I do it because I love doing it, and it brings me joy, comfort, happiness, and a sense of completion in my life. I do it because I can do it. And, I do it because I love Jesus.

Please, be of the few that know of my "doings" and share my creation with me.

A&L Wedding Teaser Dec. 2008 from Tiff Chai on Vimeo.

EVERY GOOD AND PERFECT GIFT

COMES FROM THE FATHER OF LIGHTS

GOD BLESS KOREA

D.O.T.

. 

^

A dot. A period. A mistake. The end. As sign of completion. A punctuation. One. Single. A lone mark. Depressed. Desolate. Uncertainty. Bold confidence. A point. A hole. Sharp, small, poke.A loud statement. A polar bear's nose in a blizzard. Part of a design. A statement of positivity. A cry for help. Sand. Confetti. The dot of a lowercase I. An unintentional circle. A circle. A shape. Math homework. The beginning of a line. A line from another angle. A rod. A pipe. A column. Art. An O. A very small O. Rain drop as seen from below. A bear's tail. A rabbit's eye. A human iris. A coin. Money. Cosmetics. Compact. Foundation powder. Powdered sugar grain. Color wheel spinning fast from a distance. Distant. Far. The hub of a wheel. Someone in a poodle dress spinning as seen from above. An insect. A rolly polly rolled up. Part of a 6 or 9 or 8. A decimal. A value. A result. A pie. A cake. A line. Whole. A bump. A cup bottom. A barrel bottom. A ring. A ball. A telescope. The World as seen from space. The moon. The sun. The stars. The planets. A keychain. 2 halves. A wheel. A pixel. A tunnel. A musical note without the stick part of it. A lens. A point on a line graph. A point on a line. An earring. A watch/clock face. Soloist in a band performance, estranged from the rest of the band. Standing out. A marble. Belly button. Button. A bowl. A bowling ball. Dirty. Connection. Weak. [Shortened to save space.]

D.O.T. = Don't Over Think. 

K.I.S.S. = KEEP IT SIMPLE, SILLY

R.R.R. = Recycle, Reduce, Reuse! Think green! 

=) And don't forget to smile!

Winter Cleaning

Instead of enjoying a long 3 day weekend, I decided to be productive and clean my house in irvine. I had goals to clean up my entire room, vacuum it and the stairs, clean the sinks and shower, clean up downstairs, and most importantly clean under the stairs.

If you've been to 17 Ash Tree Ln. you know how dirty it is under the stairs. It's because the front door opens right to the stairs so a lot of dust just collects under the stairs. So while I was cleaning I had this epiphany. What I really love is experiencing or learning something new about God in really ordinary routine things. God is in everyday experiences that everyone has and will experience, just by living their lives. It reminds me of this one book I remember I came across, God is in the Small Things. (I have never read it though).

So what I came across was this, that as I am on my knees using paper towels and a bottle of Clorox to wipe down under the stairs, I cannot feel anything but extreme levels of disgust. "Yo, this is freakin' gross." White paper towels turn black in one wipe with a bunch of furry gunk. I pile up all of the dirt into one small area and right in the middle is a penny. At first I thought that it was way too dirty to even have worth, but then I realized with today's economy, every cent counts. Maybe this penny will go towards the Kingdom of God somehow. Anyways, this is where I realized even a possibility of a holy God to be in front of such dirty sin. How disgusted would He feel, how uncomfortable would it be. My simple task of wiping dirt already gets me to say, "Yo, I ain't down for this mess." But it is partially MY mess. So then what does the holy God do? He cleans the mess up, as disgusted as He is. He humbles himself and does it with the right heart. So many times I would come back to a completely messed up room after I cleaned it up realizing that I need to pick up after people again and think, "WHAT THE FREAK!? ARE YOU SERIOUS? THIS AIN'T MY MESS MAN." It was never His mess to begin with. It was always ours, yet He did it ALL and we contributed nothing.

Every now and then I am reminded that when we say, "Jesus died on the cross for everyone's sin, even mine," we must not overlook the faces in the crowd that were mocking Him, condemning Him, shouting, "Crucify, Crucify Him!" For those are OUR faces. Yes it was 33 AD, yes it was the Jews of the time in Israel, and yes you weren't there yet, BUT you and I put Him there. Get your act together and let Him clean your life up, cuz this mess is spiritual, its far bigger and deeper than you think, truthfully it's like you're bringing a toothbrush to a landfill. Wrap your mind around that!

a not-so-pleasant surprise.

tonight, i thought i had appendicitis. apparently it was mittelschmerz, a.k.a. ovulation of DEATH. went to the ER; doctor said i should be fine. i cannot begin to describe how painful it was. couldn't walk, could barely talk, could barely breathe.

just got back home. dead tired, from losing sleep and fighting the worst physical fight of my life to date. but what i got out of this whole thing was a solid and heartwarming assurance that my family is so dear to me, and that i am so dear to my family.

all thanks and glory be to the God who sent me the shooting star thrice a night ago.

a pleasant surprise.

thursday night, i took just two seconds to admire the night sky before stepping into the car to go home. and in the last moment of those two seconds, i saw a most unexpected shooting star. perhaps the brightest i'd ever seen. on just a normal night, when i was hoping for nothing more than the usual. it was almost as if i heard Him whisper, "for you. just because I love you."

Praise the Lord

Dateline: Miracle on the Hudson

I just finished watching that.

Praise the Lord.

I like it when there's something positive in the media. I just thought that this event was big enough for me to post about.

All I wanted to say was Praise the Lord. =)

Greetings from the Land of Wheels!

It is late at night and I had an epiphany. "An epiphany for Tiffany" as Becca so nicely put it. And what, might this epiphany be, you ask? Well, tonight, I realized that, for the longest time, I've been doing ALL I COULD to make a tricycle run smoothly, but, in reality, I was never more than a unicycle pedaling alongside a bicycle. And, as we all know, a unicycle really can't keep up with a bicycle for many structural and design purposes. ... If you didn't know, now you do.

Perhaps, had the bicycle simply told the unicycle the truth; that the bicycle was a bicycle and could NEVER become a tricycle just because a unicycle was pedaling alongside, desperately to keep up, then the unicycle could have realized the truth, been hurt at first, and then stopped wasting its time on what couldn't be and focus on what could be. 

But, ah, at long last, THIS unicycle has realized the truth after five years of being lied to and, "I don't want to tell her to not hurt her feelings". The truth has cleared up my five years of groggy confusion and clicked everything into place. A moment of silence please to mourn the loss of my wasted time and energy, long gone. ... I, now, look forward to an open road of wild game as (TADA) The Lone Unicycle. (Please imagine it said in a deep voice, like Josh Turner's singing voice. SWOON!) ... "Don't be afraid... just don't lie to me."

Moral of my epiphany: ALWAYS TELL THE TRUTH. 

Explanation: Though it may hurt at first when the truth is told, the tumultuous level of pain one [ongoing] lie will cause when revealed in the future (i.e. five years later) is infinitely greater and more devastating to any unicycles if a bicycle is involved. So, even if you're unsure, JUST SAY SO. Don't lie and say "No"... if it's there, ADMIT IT so we can all move on. It's called being a friend/brother/sister; honest and human. Yes, the combination is possible though rarely seen. 

Advertisement: For a viewing of such honest and human combinations, look into the eyes of the CEO of "The Stand Magazine" and behold its beauty! Just suffer the raw truth because you'll be rejoicing later.

***

This message was made possible by BLOGGER.com and READERS like you. To learn more about the writer and how you can save the unicycles, please visit www.luxmundimedia.com, or contact your local God for more information.

"KEEP MOVING FORWARD"

I promise to condense this post as much as possible! =) *WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD!!*

I finally watched a movie I had longed to watch for SUCH a long time... Which was, "Meet the Robinsons". Let me just say, it has changed my views QUITE a bit on life. My heart really went out to the villainous "Bowler Hat Guy", the older, creepier, Mike (Goob). 

Who later became:

Like all humans, I found it easier to blame my surroundings and other people for my shortcomings and it really burned me up. A few years ago, it boiled over and nearly killed me. I'm sure that, had a hat come to offer me evilness to take my revenge on God, I would have gladly and lovingly accepted the deal and partnership. And, with the life I lived, it would have been easy to be a villain... but, the way Goob is saved in the end by Louis is only something that God's vessel could do for me. And with such a beautiful ending, my hope in my future has been restored.

FAVORITE SCENE: When Louis failed to fix the PB&J shooter, and it spattered EVERYONE in the room... their reaction was something that made me cry. They cheered. According to Billy, you learn from your failures, not so much from your successes... and from there, you can only keep moving forward! THAT was special for both me and Louis, because our mistakes, always felt discouraged and haunted our every turn on the path of life... but because of the encouraging family, we can KEEP MOVING FORWARD and learn from our mistakes... 

And then I realized, all great inventions in history started with a mistake on man's part, which was later seen as divine intervention from God. Praise the Lord humans are not in control of the future!

*Yes, I was a bit scatter-minded on this post, but I hoped you get what I'm saying!!*

I made a mistake

I accidentally went to sleep at 6:30 p.m.
I accidentally overslept.
I accidentally woke up at 1:30 a.m.
I accidentally threw off my whole schedule.

In reality, it wasn't an accident at all.

What did I expect?

I was lying in bed using my computer. Actually, now that I think about it, I had decided to close my eyes for awhile...while lying in bed! Hm...

I've got to think more carefully before I decide to do things that seem like no big deal.

Because this sure makes a big deal now!

At 1:38 a.m. on a Tuesday morning, I come face to face with our Lord's goodness and grace for silly human beings who make silly decisions...which, in turn, sets off consequences that may reverberate through more factors than the silly human beings know. But God gives more grace.

Wow.

That's about all I can handle at this hour in the morning.

Now, I will intentionally go back to sleep. And tomorrow morning, I will open my eyes, knowing that God is just as good and gracious then as He is in this very moment.

I love my Lord and Savior.

FAMILY BUSINESS

The happiest day of my mom's life, according to her.

"Beautiful time with beautiful people".  A day full of "mymomisafob.com"-isms and random acts of silliness, but family's family and that's how God made it.  Cheers.

RESTORE THE FAMILY.

"before the throne of God above"

I must admit, last night at the Older-People's-Group-Revival-Event (OPGRE for short), I was a disappointment. When asked to share about where I was, personally, with God, I ended up blurting about a million things I hadn't much intentions about sharing. I suppose, that is a good thing as well as a bad thing, a double edged sword that cut my hand when I attempted to sheath the blade.

It was good because I was able to happily and relaxedly speak of what my hopes and wishes for the near future. I kept it under control and didn't talk too much, I hope. And I was able to lighten the mood a bit and keep things deep, yet not so deep that I was bleeding before the others. ... On the other hand, I didn't really say how I could be able to help, nor where my goals and direction lay when it came to the OPGRE. And so, I will sayit now, as a way of compensating for my serious lack of intimacy the night before when it was more necessary, though I felt it necessary for all who laid eyes on this blog to read it too... because it is who and what I am.

I dream of inspiring the world.

Sounds general? Well, then call me general. =) And I will call you soldier. Haha... nah, I'll explain myself. The story behind the statement explains it ALL.

When I was younger, I was never told that I can be anything I wanted to be. I was never told that dreams could come true. I was never told that, through hard work and prayer and faith, anything is possible. I was told that God has a plan and whatever happens, it will be by His devine will. That was all I was allowed to think, know, and understand. And thus, I grew up in a heavily sheltered environment. And that, and other stuff, led to my break down and caused me to turn rebellious. And after that whole lot of rock-music, head-banging, fantasy-fanatic stage of life, on the verge of a permanent stay from a one-way ticket to hell... the God I had heard so much and knew so little spoke the very words that moved me into my present way of life. He told me to dream. He wanted me to dream. He would make my dreams come true, because He will give me dreams. And how excited was I? Not very. My history of dreaming was not great...

When I was seven years old, for 5 years, every night, I had the same dream. And when I was 12, it happened. Just a coincidence, right? Sure, in the non-Christian's eyes, it's nothing important. But for the next couple of years, I would dream about people and meet them soon after. THAT is eerie. The point was, all of my dreams, in one way or another, came true. And, at first, I was so afraid to sleep, I would try not to. But then a wise prophesier woman told me to embrace God's gift to me. More specifically, my "God-given joy and dreams". THAT got me sleeping again.

So when in China, I did everything I could to encourage my students to dream, and each person I meet, I always talk about dreaming and reaching for your dreams and that always led into God, the Giver Of Dreams. "It's not because things are difficult that we don't dare; it's because we don't dare that things are difficult."- Sénèque. And I LOVE that quote because it's so very true. Jonah is proof of it, you get what I mean?

Anyways, sorry for dragging this out. But the point is, I want to inspire those who join the group, and others, to reach for their dreams because, from what I've experienced, dreams come true. I put my faith in G.O.D. (^.^)

In all things that we do and say, let it be for furthering the Kingdom of God and encouraging the Body. All else would be a waste of time, energy, and breath; life. Praise the Lord, for He is good.

Direction

Face it. People suck at following directions. 

For the most part, directions and rules are relatively easy to follow, the big ones anyway. But when it comes down to it, we as people definitely don't do as good a job as we should when it comes to following ALL the rules. Especially when following those rules comes at the expense of something we desire, be it material wealth, power, relationships, or comfort.

Why is it so hard for us to follow the rules, especially those set out by God? Often times, I think about Romans 7:15, which says that

15I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do

I then make the following excuse for my actions: "Dude, God made me this way. He knows that I'm going to break rules, so it's cool. Whatever." Something along those lines. However, putting the blame on God for our weakness is also very wrong, not to mention cowardly and juvenile. What then can we do about our renegade thoughts and actions? 

This is the hard part. Obviously, the only way we really can overcome our tendency to fly off the handle is to trust in Christ to grow within us and let Him shine in our lives more and more. To truly die to our sinful desires, that we may have the desires and the mindset of Christ should be our goal, day in, day out. Jesus needs to envelop our thought process, our actions, He needs to be our discipline and our advisor.

Because when we choose not to, trouble usually ensues. 

A Curious thought...

This post all started while i was getting ready to take a shower. I approached Kevin Hsiao, one of my roommates at my Riverside apartment. I peeked over his shoulders to take a look on what he was doing while David Borg and Kevin Hu were watching Indiana Jones: The Last Crusade with surround sound. I try to start some small talk with Kevin, lil kevin as we call him. Suddenly, i noticed his glasses. He had bifocals! I was shocked. "How can you have those glasses?" lil kevin chuckled, "Yeah, I'm growing old fast." We both laughed, "The Curious case of Benjamin Button" i said under my breath.

I stepped into my shower and i started to think about the movie. There was a scene when Benjamin was old and his mother took him to one of those healing crusades in the olden days. They wheeled his old fragile body in front of the preacher. The black preacher had his squad of gospel singers behind him and started as the stereotypical preachy-gospel Christian televangelists. The audience of the movie theater started to laugh. In my mind, i reasoned that the audience's laughter is motivated by their experience with charismatic churches like Todd Bentley and the Florida Revival. As the scene continued, the preacher told Benjamin to stand up! and walk! So he did, and he fell, and everyone gasped. The preacher commanded, "Rise up! Rise up Lazarus! and Walk!" Benjamin did, and he began to walk. Everyone in the revival tent witnessed a miracle and praise the Lord! Hallelujah!

Everyone in the movie theater laughed. Why did they laugh? I thought, as i was washing my hair. They laughed because the quote-unquote miracle was not a miracle at all. Why? Because Benjamin Button was growing younger and so in that time at the tent could be the time where his bones and tendons has strengthened to enable him to walk. So it wasn't a "miracle" at all, it was purely by Benjamin's strength and determination.

But how comical it is! The very reason to dismiss a "miracle" was based upon a fictional story of a man that aged backwards. They reasoned from the very foundation of fantasy and lack of reality to dismiss something that the deemed "miracle" is also, in their knowledge, in fact fictional and fantasy-like as well. The very reason to dismiss God's work is to dismiss the very foundation you will stand upon.

O man, use all your might and all your reason to dismiss God. While the whole time you are fighting Him, He is the one who gave you the talent and tools to fight in the first place.


Or maybe i was just thinking too much :)
God bless

Nickel and Dime

I feel like I cheat out on God a lot. I know it's probably a feeling true to a lot of us, but I really do feel like I do it too much. I look around me and I have no excuse not to give all I am to Him. But that's the hard part, giving it all. It's easy for me to ask Him to direct me towards a career and then ditch my devotions the moment finals come around. I've asked him to revive lux mundi, but then forget that any kind of revival starts with my own heart. I pray nightly for Him to use me to bring the gospel to my brother and my dad but when I'm sitting alone in a car ride with them..silence. I praise Him for the winter break but then open His word only a quarter of the time that I had hoped to. Gosh, I would've given up on me already.

But that's the beautiful thing about our Father isn't it?

"What if some were unfaithful? Does their faithlessness nullify the faithfulness of God? By no means! Let God be true though every one were a liar.." Rom 3:3-4

So here I am still. Unfaithful though He is faithful. Hoping to remember Him at all times. Praying for a change in my heart. Waiting for the opportunity to be bold.

8:00 AM

As I set my alarm clock for 8am, I find my mind reeling from the fact that I would have to wake up that early. Not only awake, but aware and operational. I sigh as I set it. Suddenly it dawns on me, the same time was set from last quarter. I had to be up at 8 everyday last quarter, an equivalent of 3 months. I am a little surprised. As I leave my seat on my bed to go to the restroom to brush my teeth, I realize it would only be two times a week this quarter. It was certainly doable, far more so than last quarter.

We are capable of much more that we expect.
The funny thing is, God knows that.

Maybe this is the reason God doesn't lay out His grand plan before my eyes for me to scrutinize. Only to have me turn to Him and ask how He could possibly expect me to do this.

Maybe God even likes His element of surprise because He knows that we are capable of doing the very things we deem impossible.

Maybe God knows that until we are faced with a challenge that we cannot complain, manipulate, or pray ourselves out of, we do not truly know what we can do.

Maybe God is always expecting something more from us, something that we do not freely give until we are backed into a corner.

Maybe God knows that because we are His children, we are capable of more than we ourselves could even comprehend.

OR maybe, dare I say it, I am just being optimistic

Studerly Thoughts (warning: might be conscious streamy)

It's 1:30am, and I'm about to go to bed. Ah, the life of a student!

Hehe, Becca, I love you! And I just wanted to publicly say thanks again, for taking that extra time and effort to make my sick week more bearable.

On that note, in the last two days, I've been clearing out my bedroom of old things, useless things, memorable things that I no longer need tangible reminders of... all in the spirit of my parents relocating to the Homeland, and moving my stuff to another room, so they can rent it out while they're gone. That aside, I threw away hordes of old letters, sad to see them go, but happy to know that those don't quantify my relationships and the quality of them.

Going back to the point, one of Becca's letters to me started with "Tomorrow is my last first day of college!"

And this is where I am now.

With one quarter left and a whole life ahead, I'm starting to wonder less about what I'll be doing, and more about who I'm becoming, and who I'm leaving behind. I feel like I've come to the point where it's not so much about discovering a passion, or accomplishing something totally amazing. I just want to be that person who's done her duty, but not because it was her duty; just because she loved to.

So that brings me to the question what is my duty? I know the Sunday School answer lies in maybe 3 Bible verses. One about loving God with all our heart, mind, soul, strength. One about loving my neighbor as myself. One about making disciples of all nations and baptizing them.

But I now stand at a place where I'm trying to incorporate my identity, my personality, my character into these commissions. The Bible doesn't talk about what classes to take in college. It doesn't talk about how long you should be dating, or engaged, or when you should get married. It doesn't talk about how to bake a pretty cake. It doesn't talk about wanting to learn how to take beautiful photographs.

I know, I know. These things aren't significant in light of Jesus and what He's done for us.

But aren't they?

I'm not saying they should take higher priority than our faith. Just that there was a purpose in God creating me this way. Maybe if I were a post on a blog, the title could be "Christian," and the tags would be little things that aren't singularly unique to me, but as a combination make me different from every other post.

I guess this whole thing has been a statement about how I know and believe that our highest calling is an eternal one. BUT, there are more dimensions to us than our faith, and they're important too. I just don't know where to put them in line with those few things that I know I should be.

I feel like that blank box when you first start a post. What's going in it? How long will it be? Who will read it? Who will enjoy it? Who won't enjoy it? What will make it unlike the others? Will it have made a difference in the end?

Teacherly thoughts

It's 9:52 p.m. and I'm about to go to sleep. Ah, the life of a teacher.

Did you know that every time I go back to school after a long break, I get a sense of fear and excitement? I start to dread going back almost half way into break, but as the day draws nearer, that dread slowly fades into curiosity. What have my students been doing? And then, that curiosity evolves into excitement. I can't believe that I'm so blessed to make 150 or so new friends a year. And everyday, I get a chance to sit down with these new little (peculiar and amusing) souls and share my life with them. Invigorating...and a little terrifying.

For some of them, I'm the only reflection of Jesus they see. That's the part that instills fear in me. I better do this job right...I better be a good and bright light...I better bring that saltiness to the table!...or....or...

That thought, in turn, drives my motives and actions. That's the reason I must go to sleep in exactly one minute.

All to Jesus, I surrender...all to Him, I freely give.

May we all shine brightly tomorrow, through our words, actions, thoughts, and attitudes.

wah wah wah

I'm not much of a fan of resolutions. If I were to be asked why, I would probably throw out some response about how "everyday is an opportunity to live with the mindset of change and self-improvement", or something fanciful like that, with the expectation after to bask in compliments regarding my cleverness and refreshing take on life. Some crap like that.  

This year however, I will admit, I bought into the hype. In my mind, the new year was an opportunity to start over again, a tangible starting point from whence I can start my new life of being the best person I can be. So when I found myself struggling with my laziness, anger and impatience, and letting them get the best of me, I was bummed to have "ruined" such an opportunity to start anew. 

Stupid, huh.

The feeling that I get that time o' the year when "Auld Lang Syne" is played should be a feeling I get everyday, simply because the second I believed in Christ as my savior is the second something new began in my life. Something that gives us a hope, a drive to look at EACH day as an opportunity to be more Christlike, looking not at the scenery around or the milestones we have passed, but at the stretch that lies ahead, be it cloudy or bright. Redemption means that every second of every day is an opportunity to throw off what lies behind, that we may be able to better run towards what lies ahead. 

Christ already has done the work on the cross! He is our hope, our inspiration to see every part of every day as something new and exciting, no matter how much we think we are undeserving. 

Geez, I wish my life made as much sense to me daily as it seems to when I sit down and write.

NANASHI

I’ve been feeling particularly introverted this winter break. It’s probably because I’ve been thinking, over thinking, and not praying, over praying. My mind has been acting bipolar – up and down, this way and that way – pondering thoughts about life, the future, media and God within (or not as within as it should be) it all. And do I have any definitive conclusions? Any amazing epiphanies about life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness? No, definitely not. My mind is a smorgasbord of intersecting, parallel and individual trains of thought and I can’t seem to fit everything together. Therefore, in an attempt to understand myself and glean any God-given gems of thought from my brain, I will try to find order in this madness by writing out my thoughts in digital blog form. Its almost therapeutic!Because of my good friends Benjamin Button and Makoto Shinkai (the writer/director responsible for the image above), a good amount of my free time has been used self-reflexively pondering the nature of our lives. Life is in spurts, some longer than others, some happening the way you expect and some not, some impactful, some not as much, but all…interesting and God-willed. There are a jillion people out there in the world, all with different problems, situations, emotional states, and dreams, and maybe you only know of a thousand of them. You laughed with some, you played on a team with some, you are related to some, you went to church with some – and at this moment you have a different relationship with each individual person you have ever known. It’s always awkward to run into that person you once knew a long time ago because sometime or another you have gone on different paths in life. So many people, but as of now you know so little of them. And at one time or another you may be reunited with some and separated from others for a time or…forever? You, them and everyone moves on. Therefore, there isn’t much use in being nostalgic. At some time in the future you will move on from the people you know now and all you will have is how they (or God through them) have changed you during that part of your life. People die (especially if you’re Mr. Button) and people change – including yourself. It’s sad but you aren’t the same as you were back then so you won’t have the relationships you had back then ever again. “Don’t wish for the impossible because you will only get hurt.”
So do I just forget the past and live in the present but fixate on the future? Maybe. Why is it that certain people are in your life only for a specific amount of time? Is it “fate,” “a force of nature” or some deeper unconscious within your own self that determines what happens? I find that most people are existentialist and hedonists; their goal in life is to create for themselves happiness and pleasure. Wow, that’s almost selfish. When one tries to understand life it seems so obscure, so intangible, so blurry. I can put definitions on the inner workings of the mind and consider every transcendental thought theory out there, but in the end it doesn’t capture the complexity of reality. There must be more. Life can’t be just random entropy…guided by…something?
And at this point I remember. Yes. God. God. God. He brings order to chaos and understanding to confusion. He gives tangibility to the intangible and makes life more than just happenstances. It is submission to His hand and His will that quells my ADD mind. Its liberating when you realize that your life – with all its regrets and “what ifs” – is of great concern to the most powerful (and most humble) being/human/Spirit ever.
Good to know. But descending from the clouds of theory and understanding and stepping foot into reality is slightly more difficult. I’m a film studies major and English minor. I’m a realist (ISTP) but at the same time I am a dreamer who believes in the power of God to change people’s lives. More and more I believe in the ability to communicate through film art. I’m easily fascinated by good stories, relatable characters and beautiful images. I love films (or animes haha) with depth, purpose and meaning. When I watch something I want to be challenged in my life or my perceptions; I want to think, to reflect, to view or value or consider things differently than before. I want to be communicated more than just the superficial images, and resultantly that has become my goal in my own work. Create for me a complete world with relatable emotional nuances and hidden commentary and more likely than not I’ll enjoy it.
It’s interesting that although many of the films I love are made by a secular industry they seemingly condone Christian ideals and biblical principles. Krzysztof Kieslowski’s “Trois Couleurs Trilogy,” which is comprised of the films Trois Couleurs: Bleu, Trois Couleurs: Blanc and Trois Couleurs: Rouge (pictured above), were made to bring attention to the ideas represented in the French flag – respectively – liberty, equality and fraternity. Many other impactful films such as Umberto D., The Killing Fields and Blood Diamond were made to bring social awareness to the neglected and unfortunate. And in countless other films human emotions are brought to the forefront in order to garner a greater respect for and further understanding of life, humanity and the people around us. However, in all these films, no matter how esteemed they are, they do not mention a motivation for the “goodness” that is uplifted. And once again the same old explanations come up: “it may be ‘fate,’ ‘conscience,’ ‘love’ or an ethereal ‘force’ that drives the good within humanity.” And ultimately these films promote ideals established by “something-that-can’t-quite-be-pinpointed” rather than our Savoir, Jesus Christ.
As for myself I like to make social realism art films with a hint of the eternal. A lofty goal but my goal nonetheless. I want to steer people towards Christ with my films. Films already encourage people to lead a morally good and meaningful life, so why not point people towards the reason for it all – JESUS. Easily said, but not easily realized and practiced. How am I going to make money? What am I going to do after I graduate? The film industry is particularly secular and particularly adverse to Christian “conservatism.” I really don’t know. I’m worried but that act alone contradicts my aforementioned realizations. Yes, God. Trust in the Lord, lean not on your own understanding, your life is in His trustworthy hands. Don’t think, pray.
So let’s wrap this up, tie it all together and put it in God’s hands.
Humanity is lost. Life is indeed full of comings and goings, meetings and departures. But what is its purpose? Is there anything to live for beyond what can be grasped with my own hand? In Masaaki Yuasa and Robin Nishi’s film Mind Game (a very strange experimental hallucinogenic art film – pictured above), the main character cries out in desperation when they are trapped in a whale’s stomach:

“Cos there’s so much out there, so many different people, living different lives – incredibly good guys, bad guys! Folks completely different from us! It's one huge melting pot! See, it's not about success, dying in the streets, who’s better, who's not! I just want to be part of it! I realize that even if I've no connections, no talent, even if I'm one big loser, I want to use my hands and feet to think and move, to shape my own life!”

In a situation strikingly (or purposefully?) similar to Jonah, the characters turn to themselves, to humanity, rather than to God – the shaper and creator of all things. The majority of people believe that our existence is created solely by our own hands; people create their own meaning in life, and the majority of the time that meaning is aligned with monetary success, pleasure and happiness. It’s sad but true. Furthermore, numerous other films (many of which I look up to) perpetuate this idea and others. Your life is determined by your own actions. True love and happiness is your purpose in life. Fate and destiny will put you where you need to be. Be kind and understanding to everyone because you never know what people are going through. How we treat one another will determine the state of humankind. All humans need love, hope and relationship. These ideas encourage and motivate us; they cause a tingle in our heart and spark enduring thoughts in our minds. But why? Because every one of these themes, in one way or another, have the fingerprint of God. Our purpose in life is to become more like Christ and lead others to know Him. If we submit to Him, He is the One who will determine our lives. God is love, Jesus is our hope and happiness is found in doing God’s work and seeing people grow in their relationship with God. In order to be like Christ we love those who are difficult to love because that is how God loves us. And by getting people to know Jesus humanity is unified and the problems of this world are solved. Hmm, it seems that the reason films influence us is because they glorify blurred and partial guises of the implications of Christianity. After all, “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning” (James 1:17).

So that’s my vision – to put God wholly into films. Christian ideals have always taken a backseat in secular films, but I hope to use film as a gateway for people to realize Jesus. And in doing so I will solidify God, not ourselves or some other “entity,” as the driving force of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.