At Home Team, we discussed the first three chapters in a book about Grace... and every day that I work at the library, I struggle with the giving and receiving of grace.
My direct supervisor does NOT know how to be graceful. Having yelled at me in front of patrons, blamed me, and threatened my job security openly... words of kindness are usually jokes she laughs about later on when she talks to other workers in Tagalog. How very NOT graceful of her, right?
So, when she or any one of her age group/generation say things to me these days, I find myself feeling guilty for messing up or simply "not knowing" intuitively. They tell me to use "common sense" and all I can do is pull back into my bubble of fear and guilt, working under them as humble, weak, peons. And then, not only that, but now, ANYONE who shows me grace in any way, I feel the guilt first. I feel the disappointment they "must" feel and are "hiding". I sense the utter lowliness of me compared to the higher and nobler them... In short, I feel lower than the dirt they walk on.
Most times, I am unable to pull myself out of these depressed bouts. I feel suicidal, I read manga, I write stories, I write songs, I read novels, I try to finish Brisingr... (Yes, I'm still on Pg. 435...)... and yet, I have none to comfort me because everyone just decides not to pick up the phone... grr....
And then I fall even lower, into the pits of despair, distress, depression, and death... And then I pass the suicidal longing and just sit in one place, numb to all who call out to me...
Amazing grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me...
Grace. What an amazing thing. Truly, verily, I can honestly say that I know the grace God has on my life. For none punishes me more than my own flesh... and none loves me more than God.
I once was lost, but now am found!
Was blind, but now I see!
Indeed, I see and feel the grace of God every day in my life. And I can't even blame my pessimism and depression, because through my downfalls and weaknesses, the grace of God shines even brighter to me.
I wasn't going to share this with anyone yet... but yesterday I wrote a song called "United"... and here are the words:
Seasons in rotation, Winter to Spring
Life will continue to harbor the future
Let us come together, bringing our gifts
Of knowledge, strength, and art
When we turn to each other
Seeing brothers and sisters
Alive and ready for what is to come
That is my dream, to be
A people united by hope and not despair
A body of peoples coming together
For all the world to see
Generations of worn souls, linking together
Seeing miracles from impossibilities
When we turn to the others
Seeing distant loved ones instead of age old enemies
With the bones of our forefathers; our foundation of faith
We can become a greater force
A nation united by peace and not war
The storms that break and churn the seas
Will be quite waters before the gathered hearts
A love unknown will spread through these
Willing to take the stand
A people, a nation, with pulsing hearts
With hope, peace, and faith
Coming together to rebuild a fallen world
With a common spirit will create
A world united by love and not hate
And I think to myself;
What a wonderful world it would be...
And I think to myself,
What a wonderful world
-- Simple Words... Maranatha!
