Back 2 Skool

Well... Top 5 hard things I've learned in the past days (a.k.a. since returning to the educational course of life):

5.  Some dreams come true, others you must let go before it crushes you.

4.  When I worship on the drive to school, God gives me a GREAT parking spot!

3.  Stories like "High School Musical" are HUGE because they are the modern day "Romeo & Juliet" and "Grease" of the times of old.

2.  Chivalry is only alive when a guy is hitting on a girl with secular intentions.

1.  Our next generation is SERIOUSLY doomed without the older generation's impact NOW.

Praise the Lord - Oh, my soul - Praise the Lord.

I think I've developed a celebrity crush... MUAHAHAHAHA! 

P.S. Hi family ~ I miss y'all!!

Basketball Jones

Playing basketball after service on sundays has become our church's ritual if you will. Just as everyone knows that service always starts a little later than the scheduled start time and that the messages always run a little long, we all know that the place to be from 3 till sundown is at stimson park playing basketball on the far court. I love it. Especially since during the week most of my time is spent sitting in front of the computer or a sketch pad, running and breaking a sweat in a friendly but competitive game of 4 on 4 with friends is always something I look forward to.

Every once in awhile though, people have to attend after-service meetings and so the turn out is a lot less. Today was one of those days. We showed up at the courts and for our first game, we played against some strangers. Oh the madness! As we started to play, male egos collided and as the other teams temper and colorful choice of words flowed I started to recall why I stopped playing basketball in the past. I can't stand cocky teenagers that go on the prowl looking for ways to display their machismo. Well, I couldn't just stop playing and walk away with my tail between my legs whining "I don't want to play with you doo doo heads." So, I sucked it up, held my tongue and finished the game. We ended up losing the game, all the more adding to their already inflated egos. I collapsed on the floor in exhaustion and as I stared into the cloudy skies I kind of laughed because I guess God reminded me of the same thing he tells all of us. "Well, you still gotta love them, because guess what, I do." My laughter wasn't because I was thinking "yup, I've heard that before," but I think this time it was more of laughter due to complete amazement. It was more like "wow, God you're ridiculous! How do You do it?!? Did you hear what they were saying?!? Chris Rock doesn't even cuss that much!" And yet, his reply was still the same, "Yea, My love still wants them."

So I laid there, thinking about myself a little. How many times I sinned against God this week and how those sins make me just as much of a sinner as the guys we played against. How His reply to me is the same as it is to them, "Yea My love wants you too." And the only response I could mutter under my breath was "hm..love so amazing."

Expect me not, Love me more

Greetings, friends and family of bloggers worldwide. I have suffered and ventured forth from the lands of pain to bring you this message after careful thought and processed terminology. So it is here that I will expel my deep thoughts and inner turmoil.

For a long time, I had issues dealing with myself and other people. It was always the same circles being spun, webs of torture and circular reasoning that brought me, continuously, down the same path of destruction. And it is now that I see with eyes anew and mind refreshed. Yes, I suffered from feeling as though my expectations were, repeatedly, unmet and, with each time, my walls grew higher and higher until I had created a firm and even divide between those who loved me and my heart.

I willingly stepped into a heavily guarded and padded fortress so as to guarantee myself no or as little as possible pain from life, love, and other mysteries. I wanted to create a "safe space" where I could meditate and get to know God more on my terms. And God, being the Ultimate lover of all time, complied to my selfish desires and allowed me my time in my keep. And then a verse spoke old words that carried new meaning to my heart.

"For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through him might be saved." (John 3:17)

From the beginning of time, God knew mankind would be selfish in all things, wanting to make the world appease their selfish needs and greeds, and all He had on His mind was us; me.

Everything He ever expected, hoped, of me was always to make me better. And yet, my life was never about Him. My life served to make me better, and in the eyes of the world, it was rightly so. But choosing to turn my life to serving Him and others was the first step to fulfilling some of the expectations placed on me, a born-again Christian in the fallen world. 

So, with spirit renewed, I turn from my ways of sinfulness and single-mindedness to a life of purity and God-mindedness. And the first step to doing so is to look away from myself and step down from the slightly raised mound I've placed myself on. In the words of Henry (a very good brother), "Your expectations shouldn't make others feel like you're looking down on them, but reveal what high hopes you wish for them to achieve, to build them up." 

So, dear members of the Body; the Stand Magazine, please accept this formal apology on my behalf. When I started writing for the magazine, it was all about how the magazine could improve my writing, how I would gain exposure, and how many people I could impact with my writing. And whenever my articles didn't make the print, I would feel a bitterness and unforgiveness towards the magazine. Even on this blog. I felt sad because I felt as though I were the only one posting. As if I had to prove myself, to this blog, of my worthiness to be a writer in the magazine. All of which was spurred on my the high expectations I had of this magazine. But I promise to only work to uplift and encourage writers, staff, editors, photographers, and readers of the magazine. And to encourage through love and edification. =)

Thank you for reading my post. And it's okay if you don't comment or reply. So long as it is here for your reading when you find time, then that is enough. Also, here is the most recent clip I've made to tie up some loose ends... =) enjoy!

Chocolate

Dear Lord, my One and Only Love unseen,
How wonderful you are to me...
Granting me a life filled with green,
Walls placed nicely a place to be...
You've created a place so free and serene.

Of the woes of I have to speak,
None other than Chocolate makes me blush...
From my lowest lows, it creates a peak,
Men serve me naught but innocence crush,
You provide comforting substance which makes me weak.

Laughter and love canst but compare
To the joyous endorphins thus released,
Such a plain and simple contentment so rare
Yet given the circumstances, so pleased,
I grown and moan when forced to share...

But when feeling light and lost, Your never-ending grace
Proves far more tasty than any succulent temptation;
As if somehow such foolishness flung in Your face
Has the same effect as 24-hour constipation...
So I push it aside and prepare to enter in our place.

(This was actually my second draft... my first draft looked a lil something like this:

Oh Chocolate... sweet temptation from the devil!
How my lust for you corrupts my dreams...
In the darkness my heart will revel..
For though I love green, you hang at my seams...!!

(>.<)*sniff*sniff* have a great week!)

a word on rain

I love on-again and off-again showers on rainy days. God is in charge. These days make everything more exciting, alive, poignant. I love hearing the rain stop and then hearing it start again. I realize that my focus changes for that day. My appreciation for what I have changes as the weather changes moment by moment. I’m amazed at how beautiful everything seems. All the things that are not eternal are constantly washed away on rainy days. Constantly washed away. Just how it is on the grand scale with our lives. In one day, I go through different emotions and feelings, just to look back upon it all at the end of the day and realize that I’m still here and I’m still alive. That rainy day allows me to see how change is only change to things that can be changed. Although so much of who we are and what we do can be changed, we could, in moments of change, choose to remain steadfast in loving and serving our Lord. And so it is that the rainy days show me God’s faithfulness and promise. I haven’t experienced what Noah went through in the day of yore, but a rainy day does bring me new perspective, new appreciation, and a renewed sense of hope.

A word on rainbows — That rainbow meant something to Noah. I like to think that it’s because of all he went through. It’s everything he went through that instilled the value of the rainbow and its significance. What a beautiful way to remind us that He is faithful and we are to trust in Him. I understand that beautiful reminders are needed every now and then. I once heard a pastor say something about rainbows and refraction. At that time, I thought that that poor Asian pastor meant reflection. I now know what he was talking about. Look at the refracted pieces to see evidence of God’s grace and faithfulness in our broken pasts. We live this life with too little reflection. Our Lord continually calls us to remember. Remember so that you will once again come, taste and see that the Lord is good.

AND THE WONDER OF IT ALL

X-POSTED FROM MY BLOG:  http://indigostain.blogspot.com

I embedded the song above for ambiance' sake (especially from minute marker 2:31 and on), so just click play and let the song wash over you like you're sleeping buried to your neck at the beach during low tide.

Driving home with my brother after spending an afternoon at Bin Bin Konjac just fooling around on the internets and with friends, I was coming home for a family dinner and Coldplay - Fix You was playing. Right when we were a couple blocks away from home, the song was hitting its peak/bridge (2:31 & on), and there was just the most perfect post-rain sunset overlooking the hillside my street winds around. It was breathtaking. I quickly pulled the car over at the nearest side street, and we both trekked onto the hill, looking for the perfect shot. Not sure I found it, and my noobzilla photog skills did not do the moment justice. I hope you can somewhat enjoy it with me.

Our God Reigns.

introspection

i was debating whether to create a new post, since i feel like i don't have adequate words to describe my state of mind.

i just watched the video of the conversation between logan and mike about the cow, and it's been a long time since God's love felt so real and tangible.

why don't i feel like that anymore? what happened to that little girl who saw the world with bright eyes and a hopeful heart?

it seems like the more i find out about this world and about people, the more guarded i become, the less easily impressed by what i should be regarding as miracles.

i had a brief glance into myself, much like if you were passing by someone's house, and their front door was open, so you saw through to the other side, and then maybe through a window or glass doors, and noticed a little tree in the backyard. no one ever sees the tree from the street, but today you did.

today, i did.

and what i saw was fear. i'm terrified! of nothing in particular, and of everything all together. it's more than worrying about the future. it's more like knowing that the essence of my being is weak, incapable, and selfish... knowing my worth as a creature of sin.

that front door has closed again, but i aim to, with the grace of God, find my way back to that tree, and cultivate it into a magnificent mark of triumph over everything evil.

for now, i will go to bed, and sleep away the long day that prompted this unexpected intropsection.

no resistance

I am so bothered right now my hands are shaking as I type this.

I'm thinking I should step away from the computer and let this wave of emotion pass and recede into the depths of my heart to deal with at a later time, but I feel like this needs to come out now.

Usually if something bothers me it's pretty easy for me to think myself through it and then cover it up with an excuse, a pleasant attitude and a hopeful heart... but this feeling I'm feeling right now is putting up a pesky fight. It keeps showing up and I can tell it's not going to back down unless I fight back and do something about it.

I started experiencing this feeling when I turned 24 last month. It's that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you know you've missed something really important but can't go back to get it. It sort of feels like time is a train quickly leaving without me, carrying the cargo of all my goals and dreams that I hoped to accomplish but just couldn't catch in time. I missed it because I was either too busy counting the tracks on the ground or too worried about staying safe behind the yellow line.

This panicked feeling has caused me to start running. Literally, run. I hate running. The gnawing feeling crept up on me yesterday afternoon while I was alone in my room wasting time. Without even thinking, I put on some sneakers, drove to a park and started running. Did I mention that I hate running? I especially hate running when there are people around to watch me... but I didn't care this time. I just needed to move. Be in a different place. Exert myself. All I wanted to hear was the huffing and puffing of my own breath and the feeling of exertion and exhaustion overriding the discontent I felt deep inside. I later realized that running was my way of chasing after the train I had missed.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it really bothers me that I am hoarding loads of unused potential that I haven't touched yet. What am I waiting for? I don't mean to sound full of it, but I'm pretty good at some things. God has given me so many gifts, but all I did was unwrap them and place them on a shelf to look at. I have let them collect dust. The shine is starting to wear off. I let people stand around and talk about my gifts and wonder what my gifts could do... but I'm done with that. I don't want you talk and wonder anymore. I want you to see and believe. I want to use my gifts. I don't care if you like them or think they're cool. I don't care if the world is full of resistance. I just want to take my gifts off the shelf for once and wear them out so that in the end when I look into His eyes I can honestly say that I used everything I was given.

A Step of Trust

I was running before I knew I was walking. It came to me so fast, and I was gone just as. Nothing was perfectly clear as they said it was in those story books. Those story books say that life is a gift and so clean cut. Do you know when it's the right moment or is the moment right because you know it? Are they telling me the truth or are lies kissing me on the cheek?

It's like coming to a major intersection and waiting with a crowd of people on one corner of the four available that are all crowded with people. And as you wait for the white walking icon to flash, indicating that you may, indeed, walk across the street and the cars will (should) not run you over because of the red light in front of them, you look right and then left, wondering which would be safer or more direct a path to choose. I'm not talking about those fancy ones with diagonals through the middle, but those squares at any given four-way intersection marking the intersection of two streets with two-way traffic. (2x2=4) Yes, those.

You stand there and you wait. But when the cars stop, the icon flashes, and the crowds move, will you move with them?

Why would you move with them?

Is it because you're shoved along with them, forced to take the road and not go another way? Naturally, when it is crowded, it's easier to follow a crowd and not have to worry about being wrong, because if you were wrong, that would mean EVERYONE ELSE was wrong too, which might make you right? Or, maybe, it lessens the chance of you getting in trouble for or hit by a car, should one disobey the red light and bump you.

Or is it because you want to go with them, putting one foot in front of the other, taking step after step, closer to the other side of the streets according to your own will and right to exercise your freedom? It's not as though you are going where the others are going, right? I mean, you have your own destination and being on the same corner as the others doesn't mean you are in unity with them, bound to them for life and unable to make your own decisions. After all, what are the chances of that happening amongst strangers, unless you're all headed to the same LARGE event, eh?

What would happen if you just stood there, unwilling to move because you don't want to? Or, maybe, you think they're going the wrong way. Perhaps, you're afraid of crossing with so many people. You prefer walking the lane yourself whether it be for greed, safety, claustrophobia, and what not. What would be holding you back? Pride? Power? Prejudice? Pleasure? Sins? Laziness? Yes, that and many more possibilities that don't need to be named, right? Yes, those strongholds that keep you from moving from one side of nowhere to the other side of somewhere. You're at the intersection and faced with choices that will shape your life and form who you will be tomorrow.

... And you can't even cross the street without feeling a tumultuous wave of questions crash down on you.. as you wait for the walking icon to flash. And even when it does, you stand there, unable/unwilling to move.

I got news for ya. If you don't take a step of faith, you'll never get anywhere. Trust in God and He will help you through it all. If you REALLY think about it, God isn't merely the lights at the intersections of your life, but also the road you walk on to reach the other side. He knows us unlike anyone in our lives could EVER know us. He knows where we're going, when we'll get there, who we're with or will meet along the way, what we're going to be/do, and how we'll get there. He knows it ALL.

And yet, He left us the choice to take the first step. And He knows that, when we take that first step, all the other steps after that first step will bring us closer to Him.

Our God is an awesome God.

>> Does that make any sense?

WOW.

This really puts things in perspective.  Jacked from THE GDFHT.

Me Heart Burns

I've tried to do all that I love doing. I try writing 1 song a month so I can put together a demo at the end of one year... I try to compile clips to create a proper short... I try to write 2 novels so that I can publish it to fund my hd camcorder expenses... I try to take classes to appease my parents' demands... I try to work hard to not get fired from work... I try to help my friends and family to lessen their burden and grow with them... Ah, the woes of mankind...

It's like having flour but no water. I don't have EVERYTHING I need to make bread. I have the flour only because I found the plants, crushed them, and now have dough... but I haven't water to mix into the dough, nor yeast to make it rise a lot... And if I can't have bread, I'll starve. But I still have dough, and it's just staring at me in the face, nagging at me to do SOMETHING... but what CAN I do?

Oh, the woes of my heart... What to do with deep passion that has no way to be vented?