Studerly Thoughts (warning: might be conscious streamy)

It's 1:30am, and I'm about to go to bed. Ah, the life of a student!

Hehe, Becca, I love you! And I just wanted to publicly say thanks again, for taking that extra time and effort to make my sick week more bearable.

On that note, in the last two days, I've been clearing out my bedroom of old things, useless things, memorable things that I no longer need tangible reminders of... all in the spirit of my parents relocating to the Homeland, and moving my stuff to another room, so they can rent it out while they're gone. That aside, I threw away hordes of old letters, sad to see them go, but happy to know that those don't quantify my relationships and the quality of them.

Going back to the point, one of Becca's letters to me started with "Tomorrow is my last first day of college!"

And this is where I am now.

With one quarter left and a whole life ahead, I'm starting to wonder less about what I'll be doing, and more about who I'm becoming, and who I'm leaving behind. I feel like I've come to the point where it's not so much about discovering a passion, or accomplishing something totally amazing. I just want to be that person who's done her duty, but not because it was her duty; just because she loved to.

So that brings me to the question what is my duty? I know the Sunday School answer lies in maybe 3 Bible verses. One about loving God with all our heart, mind, soul, strength. One about loving my neighbor as myself. One about making disciples of all nations and baptizing them.

But I now stand at a place where I'm trying to incorporate my identity, my personality, my character into these commissions. The Bible doesn't talk about what classes to take in college. It doesn't talk about how long you should be dating, or engaged, or when you should get married. It doesn't talk about how to bake a pretty cake. It doesn't talk about wanting to learn how to take beautiful photographs.

I know, I know. These things aren't significant in light of Jesus and what He's done for us.

But aren't they?

I'm not saying they should take higher priority than our faith. Just that there was a purpose in God creating me this way. Maybe if I were a post on a blog, the title could be "Christian," and the tags would be little things that aren't singularly unique to me, but as a combination make me different from every other post.

I guess this whole thing has been a statement about how I know and believe that our highest calling is an eternal one. BUT, there are more dimensions to us than our faith, and they're important too. I just don't know where to put them in line with those few things that I know I should be.

I feel like that blank box when you first start a post. What's going in it? How long will it be? Who will read it? Who will enjoy it? Who won't enjoy it? What will make it unlike the others? Will it have made a difference in the end?

NANASHI

I’ve been feeling particularly introverted this winter break. It’s probably because I’ve been thinking, over thinking, and not praying, over praying. My mind has been acting bipolar – up and down, this way and that way – pondering thoughts about life, the future, media and God within (or not as within as it should be) it all. And do I have any definitive conclusions? Any amazing epiphanies about life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness? No, definitely not. My mind is a smorgasbord of intersecting, parallel and individual trains of thought and I can’t seem to fit everything together. Therefore, in an attempt to understand myself and glean any God-given gems of thought from my brain, I will try to find order in this madness by writing out my thoughts in digital blog form. Its almost therapeutic!Because of my good friends Benjamin Button and Makoto Shinkai (the writer/director responsible for the image above), a good amount of my free time has been used self-reflexively pondering the nature of our lives. Life is in spurts, some longer than others, some happening the way you expect and some not, some impactful, some not as much, but all…interesting and God-willed. There are a jillion people out there in the world, all with different problems, situations, emotional states, and dreams, and maybe you only know of a thousand of them. You laughed with some, you played on a team with some, you are related to some, you went to church with some – and at this moment you have a different relationship with each individual person you have ever known. It’s always awkward to run into that person you once knew a long time ago because sometime or another you have gone on different paths in life. So many people, but as of now you know so little of them. And at one time or another you may be reunited with some and separated from others for a time or…forever? You, them and everyone moves on. Therefore, there isn’t much use in being nostalgic. At some time in the future you will move on from the people you know now and all you will have is how they (or God through them) have changed you during that part of your life. People die (especially if you’re Mr. Button) and people change – including yourself. It’s sad but you aren’t the same as you were back then so you won’t have the relationships you had back then ever again. “Don’t wish for the impossible because you will only get hurt.”
So do I just forget the past and live in the present but fixate on the future? Maybe. Why is it that certain people are in your life only for a specific amount of time? Is it “fate,” “a force of nature” or some deeper unconscious within your own self that determines what happens? I find that most people are existentialist and hedonists; their goal in life is to create for themselves happiness and pleasure. Wow, that’s almost selfish. When one tries to understand life it seems so obscure, so intangible, so blurry. I can put definitions on the inner workings of the mind and consider every transcendental thought theory out there, but in the end it doesn’t capture the complexity of reality. There must be more. Life can’t be just random entropy…guided by…something?
And at this point I remember. Yes. God. God. God. He brings order to chaos and understanding to confusion. He gives tangibility to the intangible and makes life more than just happenstances. It is submission to His hand and His will that quells my ADD mind. Its liberating when you realize that your life – with all its regrets and “what ifs” – is of great concern to the most powerful (and most humble) being/human/Spirit ever.
Good to know. But descending from the clouds of theory and understanding and stepping foot into reality is slightly more difficult. I’m a film studies major and English minor. I’m a realist (ISTP) but at the same time I am a dreamer who believes in the power of God to change people’s lives. More and more I believe in the ability to communicate through film art. I’m easily fascinated by good stories, relatable characters and beautiful images. I love films (or animes haha) with depth, purpose and meaning. When I watch something I want to be challenged in my life or my perceptions; I want to think, to reflect, to view or value or consider things differently than before. I want to be communicated more than just the superficial images, and resultantly that has become my goal in my own work. Create for me a complete world with relatable emotional nuances and hidden commentary and more likely than not I’ll enjoy it.
It’s interesting that although many of the films I love are made by a secular industry they seemingly condone Christian ideals and biblical principles. Krzysztof Kieslowski’s “Trois Couleurs Trilogy,” which is comprised of the films Trois Couleurs: Bleu, Trois Couleurs: Blanc and Trois Couleurs: Rouge (pictured above), were made to bring attention to the ideas represented in the French flag – respectively – liberty, equality and fraternity. Many other impactful films such as Umberto D., The Killing Fields and Blood Diamond were made to bring social awareness to the neglected and unfortunate. And in countless other films human emotions are brought to the forefront in order to garner a greater respect for and further understanding of life, humanity and the people around us. However, in all these films, no matter how esteemed they are, they do not mention a motivation for the “goodness” that is uplifted. And once again the same old explanations come up: “it may be ‘fate,’ ‘conscience,’ ‘love’ or an ethereal ‘force’ that drives the good within humanity.” And ultimately these films promote ideals established by “something-that-can’t-quite-be-pinpointed” rather than our Savoir, Jesus Christ.
As for myself I like to make social realism art films with a hint of the eternal. A lofty goal but my goal nonetheless. I want to steer people towards Christ with my films. Films already encourage people to lead a morally good and meaningful life, so why not point people towards the reason for it all – JESUS. Easily said, but not easily realized and practiced. How am I going to make money? What am I going to do after I graduate? The film industry is particularly secular and particularly adverse to Christian “conservatism.” I really don’t know. I’m worried but that act alone contradicts my aforementioned realizations. Yes, God. Trust in the Lord, lean not on your own understanding, your life is in His trustworthy hands. Don’t think, pray.
So let’s wrap this up, tie it all together and put it in God’s hands.
Humanity is lost. Life is indeed full of comings and goings, meetings and departures. But what is its purpose? Is there anything to live for beyond what can be grasped with my own hand? In Masaaki Yuasa and Robin Nishi’s film Mind Game (a very strange experimental hallucinogenic art film – pictured above), the main character cries out in desperation when they are trapped in a whale’s stomach:

“Cos there’s so much out there, so many different people, living different lives – incredibly good guys, bad guys! Folks completely different from us! It's one huge melting pot! See, it's not about success, dying in the streets, who’s better, who's not! I just want to be part of it! I realize that even if I've no connections, no talent, even if I'm one big loser, I want to use my hands and feet to think and move, to shape my own life!”

In a situation strikingly (or purposefully?) similar to Jonah, the characters turn to themselves, to humanity, rather than to God – the shaper and creator of all things. The majority of people believe that our existence is created solely by our own hands; people create their own meaning in life, and the majority of the time that meaning is aligned with monetary success, pleasure and happiness. It’s sad but true. Furthermore, numerous other films (many of which I look up to) perpetuate this idea and others. Your life is determined by your own actions. True love and happiness is your purpose in life. Fate and destiny will put you where you need to be. Be kind and understanding to everyone because you never know what people are going through. How we treat one another will determine the state of humankind. All humans need love, hope and relationship. These ideas encourage and motivate us; they cause a tingle in our heart and spark enduring thoughts in our minds. But why? Because every one of these themes, in one way or another, have the fingerprint of God. Our purpose in life is to become more like Christ and lead others to know Him. If we submit to Him, He is the One who will determine our lives. God is love, Jesus is our hope and happiness is found in doing God’s work and seeing people grow in their relationship with God. In order to be like Christ we love those who are difficult to love because that is how God loves us. And by getting people to know Jesus humanity is unified and the problems of this world are solved. Hmm, it seems that the reason films influence us is because they glorify blurred and partial guises of the implications of Christianity. After all, “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning” (James 1:17).

So that’s my vision – to put God wholly into films. Christian ideals have always taken a backseat in secular films, but I hope to use film as a gateway for people to realize Jesus. And in doing so I will solidify God, not ourselves or some other “entity,” as the driving force of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.