introspection

i was debating whether to create a new post, since i feel like i don't have adequate words to describe my state of mind.

i just watched the video of the conversation between logan and mike about the cow, and it's been a long time since God's love felt so real and tangible.

why don't i feel like that anymore? what happened to that little girl who saw the world with bright eyes and a hopeful heart?

it seems like the more i find out about this world and about people, the more guarded i become, the less easily impressed by what i should be regarding as miracles.

i had a brief glance into myself, much like if you were passing by someone's house, and their front door was open, so you saw through to the other side, and then maybe through a window or glass doors, and noticed a little tree in the backyard. no one ever sees the tree from the street, but today you did.

today, i did.

and what i saw was fear. i'm terrified! of nothing in particular, and of everything all together. it's more than worrying about the future. it's more like knowing that the essence of my being is weak, incapable, and selfish... knowing my worth as a creature of sin.

that front door has closed again, but i aim to, with the grace of God, find my way back to that tree, and cultivate it into a magnificent mark of triumph over everything evil.

for now, i will go to bed, and sleep away the long day that prompted this unexpected intropsection.