no resistance

I am so bothered right now my hands are shaking as I type this.

I'm thinking I should step away from the computer and let this wave of emotion pass and recede into the depths of my heart to deal with at a later time, but I feel like this needs to come out now.

Usually if something bothers me it's pretty easy for me to think myself through it and then cover it up with an excuse, a pleasant attitude and a hopeful heart... but this feeling I'm feeling right now is putting up a pesky fight. It keeps showing up and I can tell it's not going to back down unless I fight back and do something about it.

I started experiencing this feeling when I turned 24 last month. It's that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you know you've missed something really important but can't go back to get it. It sort of feels like time is a train quickly leaving without me, carrying the cargo of all my goals and dreams that I hoped to accomplish but just couldn't catch in time. I missed it because I was either too busy counting the tracks on the ground or too worried about staying safe behind the yellow line.

This panicked feeling has caused me to start running. Literally, run. I hate running. The gnawing feeling crept up on me yesterday afternoon while I was alone in my room wasting time. Without even thinking, I put on some sneakers, drove to a park and started running. Did I mention that I hate running? I especially hate running when there are people around to watch me... but I didn't care this time. I just needed to move. Be in a different place. Exert myself. All I wanted to hear was the huffing and puffing of my own breath and the feeling of exertion and exhaustion overriding the discontent I felt deep inside. I later realized that running was my way of chasing after the train I had missed.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it really bothers me that I am hoarding loads of unused potential that I haven't touched yet. What am I waiting for? I don't mean to sound full of it, but I'm pretty good at some things. God has given me so many gifts, but all I did was unwrap them and place them on a shelf to look at. I have let them collect dust. The shine is starting to wear off. I let people stand around and talk about my gifts and wonder what my gifts could do... but I'm done with that. I don't want you talk and wonder anymore. I want you to see and believe. I want to use my gifts. I don't care if you like them or think they're cool. I don't care if the world is full of resistance. I just want to take my gifts off the shelf for once and wear them out so that in the end when I look into His eyes I can honestly say that I used everything I was given.